Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It's FUN being a girl

Tomorrow I get to go to an appointment where I'll strip down to almost nothing but a paper shirt, sit back on a reclining chair, put my feet up in stirrups (DAMN, gotta do toenails tonight) and let a stranger nose around and check out my innards. It's not like this is anything new; I've been subjected to this atrocity for almost twenty-five years now. But no matter how many times I go through it, it NEVER gets any easier or more fun.
I realize I'm lucky to be able to afford healthcare.
We're lucky to have the technology to prevent a slew of problems by doing nothing more than getting a check-up. We live in amazing and wonderful medical times and I shouldn't complain.

I was thinking about it. As with household chores, men sort of most of the time almost always get off easier than women. What's the most humiliating thing a man goes through at the doctor - the prostate exam and that ball-grabbing, turn the head and cough thing? Please! If I knew tomorrow the doctor would only have to grab my boobs and make me cough, I'd be a hell of a lot less freaked right now. And I'll admit I don't know exactly what goes on in a prostate exam, but I'd be willing to guess it doesn't involve a cold sharp speculum.
And...say we're ever in the position to become parents...I just wonder how it got arranged so that the balance of jobs got tipped so far one way in the woman's favor. Of course I WANT a child, of course I'm willing to go through whatever hellish nightmare lies in store in order to GET a child, but damn. It's scary.

I like being a girl. Most of the time when you catch me saying stuff like this, it's the day before a doctor's appointment or something similar. Maybe one day out of the month, every twenty-eight days or so. But now is not the time for complaints. It's time to buck up and be a brave little soldier. Did you know a certain tribe of Indians used to stick tiny pieces of pine into a person and light it on fire so the person could actually watch themselves slowly burn to death?

Sorry for that visual, but what I'm trying to say (and convince myself) is that it could be worse. Much worse.

I also just found out my cousin is having breast reduction surgery today. This is what I mean. Through no fault of her own, she got stuck with huge and I mean humongous boobs ever since she was thirteen and has dealt with backaches and bad jokes for twenty years. Now she's going through a painful surgery trying to get rid of both, I'm guessing.

I'm done. I'm not bitter or unhappy, just nervous.


Anonymous said...

I know this doesn't compare at all to your experience...but this is as bad as it gets for us...

The Prostate examination...

Kim said...


The man is advised that a finger needs to be inserted into their rectum in order to examine the prostate gland.

Usually the man is asked to stand, feet apart, face the examination couch and bend forward so that arms or elbows are on the couch.

The doctor will put on a surgical glove and will cover a finger in lubricant

The doctor will most likely say that you will feel a little pressure but no discomfort"

What's wrong with that? Sounds like date night in my house!
Just kidding.

Scientific Lutheran said...

Yeah, no matter how many times it gets done, I'm never happy about it. The day before and the day of are always bad days for me.

And, if you have a really thorough MD, you get a finger up the bum, too.


Kim said...

SL, thank you - yes. Not many people recognize the day after either when you're sore and feel sort of violated. I'm hoping for a not-thorough doctor, even though I shouldn't be.

Taoist Biker said...

Uh, yeah, nothing we guys do really compares. I watched (kinda - I made sure not to watch too closely) the OB give my wife a pelvic about 7 hours before our son was born. Uh, yikes? Yeah. Yikes.

In a super bout of weirdness, though, I once was at a university surplus auction where they actually had a few...uh, how do you say this? aids to teach doctors to give pelvics.

I couldn't figure out for the life of me whether I should laugh or shiver with the heebie-jeebies for the rest of the day.

Anonymous said...

SL said it for me. I have the doctor that says "Well, gee, while your legs are up there, my head is down here and I have one hand with nothing to do, why don't we check that prostate out for ya?"


Anonymous said...

You said it, and why do they get all the fun of peeing standing up?

I do have to say the prostate exam can't be pleasant, but we also get the lovely mammogram.

Thankfully the colonoscopy is a shared 'pleasure'.

Taoist Biker said...

I'll gladly trade the peeing-standing-up for multiple orgasms.

Anonymous said...

TB...don't guys (all the ones I've known anyway) have a guaranteed orgasm, like, EVERY TIME they have sex? And now you want multiples, too?

You go now!

ct said...

Once you've been to the OB/GYN 5,638 times during your pregnancy, you just assume that everyone walking in the room is there to poke and prod at your vagina. It's the new way to introduce yourself, like waving, but cooler.

Swistle said...

Sigh. I know. I would rather be a girl, but it sure comes at a COST.

Kim said...

What is this multiple orgasm you speak of? Ha.

And yeah, now that I've had an ultrasound in which my husband and two other people looked at my uteris, I'm starting to think I'll be okay with whatever.
Easy to say now.