Thursday, January 1, 2009

I beg of you Bono, get out of my head

"...All is quiet on New Year's Day..."

God, I fucking HATE that song! Every year it's the same thing. I wake up and think, "It's New Year's Day," then here comes that hateful song, unbidden and unavoidable, my annual earworm. I'm about to put some music on both to drown out that and the endless, nonstop fucking football commentary. I like when my husband is happy and excited, but his infatuation with the SEC runs my nerves pretty thin roundabout this time every year. But, bowl games. I understand. I'm not going to deny him his fun. I'm just going to live in other parts of the house all day or until it's over.

For the first time in years we went out for New Year's Eve. (Oh my God -don't...think...of...song...) It was alright, nothing spectacular. Friends of ours were having a smallish get together, cocktails and fancy food but casual dress. I'm not socially inclined to begin with, and the absolute worst moment for me is walking into a small party already in progress. Once that's over, I'm fine. The guys congregate around the TV which of course has a football game on and the women do food preparation-type things and sip drinks in the kitchen. Their house is nice and open, conducive to the kitchen and living room people interacting with each other.

So picture that scene, with me assisting with chopping vegetables next to a woman I'd never met before. We're making small talk and she seems nice. Out of nowhere she asks the question. You know the question. The one I am destined to get asked Every. Single. Time.
"So, do you all have kids?"
The hostess, knowing our situation, shoots me a quick apologetic look.
I answer.
"Not yet. But we're trying." Then for comedic effect, I add "We're trying REALLY HARD AND REALLY OFTEN."
All noise ceases in the living room and the men all look up. Finally some guy says, "Well, that's a good way to do it." Awkward laughter ensues.

I just don't get it. I mean, it doesn't bother me so much now that we're actively doing something about it and the odds are better than they've ever been, but I cannot FATHOM asking someone that question within seconds of meeting them. It's happened to me so many times for the nearly ten years we've been married.
Me: Hi, nice to meet you; this is my husband Brian.
Whomever: Do you have any kids?

What if, God forbid, we COULDN'T have kids. Like, no shot, ever. What if a woman wants to be a mother more than anything in the world and can't and is walking around heartbroken over it every day. WHY would you just bust right out with that question? I guess it's a social tool, an ice-breaker, searching to bond over something with someone new. Oh, you're a parent - me too! Isn't procreation the best ever? How many hours of labor did you have? Stretch marks and diapers and breast pumps, oh my!

As it turns out, this woman and her husband tried for twelve years before seeking treatment similar to what we're doing and were finally successful. That was nice to hear. Had we been talking for an hour or so already and the subject came up, I would've been much more receptive to discussing it and I did end up having a good conversation with her. Without everyone in the house listening in. We even found out we both work at the college; wow, cool. There's something in common that isn't such a personal matter - where do you work. At USC? Oh, I do too! Isn't the pay sucky but the paid vacation time great?

But I think I have it figured out. The next time someone asks me if I have kids I'm going to deflect the question with, "So, what's your favorite sexual position? I like starting with missionary and ending with doggie."
I mean if we're discussing babies and the making of, that's fair game right?

We were nervous about being out on one of the drunkest nights of the year, when the cops are just itching to fuck with as many people as possible. It's a thirty mile drive to their house, so we left at eleven to make it in before midnight. We saw no less than six cops on the way home, four of whom had people pulled over. It was nerve-wracking. He'd only had a couple of beers, but I had nothing but Sprite so I drove. Seeing all the law enforcement and blue lights flashing around us somehow spurred us to relive all the brushes we've had with the police in the past, including his most recent event two weeks ago, and how many times one or both of us could've easily ended up in jail. Here's a tip. That's not a great topic to discuss if you're trying not to be nervous. Have you ever been driving completely sober but still freaked out that you're weaving or doing something wrong? It was a big relief to get home. But sadly, we were stopped at the red light right outside our neighborhood when the clock struck twelve, having not made it home in time. We had a quick, barely on the lips, one eye on the road peck of a midnight kiss. Always keeping the romance alive, that's us.

On a high note, my friend (the party's hostess) got a ShamWow for Christmas so I finally got to see one. It's not very impressive looking, but we didn't try it out so I don't know.

"...And I want to be with you, be with you night and day..."
AAAGGGHHHH!!!! Shit.
Happy 2009.

9 comments:

iamheatherjo said...

"How long? How long is this U2 song? How long? How looooooooonnng?"

snerkology said...

Hee! Heather's evil.

GOOD THINGS will happen for you this year, my friend, I just know it!!! xo

molly said...

everybody asks and will continue to ask.

next time they ask,
"So, do you have kids?"

answer,
"nope, not yet, someday though!"

that usually does the trick! what else is left to say? if they start to ask, "oh, WHEN?" it's time to move on to a new party guest...

morethananelectrician said...

I hate Bono. I think it is because I had a grilfriend who loved him and I broke up with her because I couldn't stnad listening to U2 every damned day. I am a creature of habit, but that is ridiculous!

Now, on to that position thing...

Kim said...

Heather - you're just wrong.

Snerk - I do have a good feeling about this year. Sometimes my good feelings are even right.

Molly - you're answer is a lot better than mine.

MTAE - I liked Bono for like six months. Then he started wearing those bug sunglasses and trying to act like the Pope.
The positions are written in stone and they do not change.

iamheatherjo said...

ME?!?! Evil? Wrong?

I think not! I was just trying to help get 'New Years Day' out of your head by planting my special version of 'Sunday Bloody Sunday'!

Sheesh... ;)

suzy2110 said...

I nearly blogged about the same thing with reference to U2- it's kind of obligatory to get that song in your head!

Happy New Year and may your often and hard efforts be rewarded very soon!

Kim said...

Sunday Bloody Sunday is in my head almost all the time. My hatred for that one isn't as bad as New Year's Day.

Taoist Biker said...

I think some people just have nothing else in their life to talk about other than their kids. So they have to hit the "do you have kids?" early in the conversation - otherwise it's all nods and smiles from them for the rest of your acquaintance.

And for the record, I think your sex position rejoinder is perfection.