Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Who's she calling a lady anyway?

It had been a few years since I'd been to one of these "Adult Novelty" parties (Thanks, TB, for the more acceptable phrasing) but the three friends who came with me had all been to one a little more recently. It was normal to compare notes between the one last night and all of our prior experiences. And here's what we decided. If you're going to sell fun products that make a fun activity even more fun, don't you think you should have sort of a FUN personality??? We thought so. This girl could use a few lessons in Salesmanship: Lighten the hell up!

There were a lot of women there; including us, probably close to twenty. Women of all sizes, shapes and a good age range; potentially a very good night of profit for this girl who I'll call Lindsay because that's her name. (I'm sorry, that cracks me up every time.) However, because of her little attitude problem, she lost at least four sales last night. And yes Virginia, little Kimmy did find something she wanted to buy. No it's not rubber or plastic and no it doesn't require a battery. Let's just say it's a highly recommended lotion and leave it at that. In fact, all four of us had pretty much decided on this stuff and one of us was even contemplating a more expensive purchase on top of that. But sadly for Lindsay, we decided to all make our purchases from the website that was provided on the all catalogues she'd handed out and/or a future party that is already planned for next month for Joan's bachelorette friend.

Why did Lindsay lose our sales? Well. Girlfriend must have been under some sort of time limit. All throughout her demonstration she kept Ssh-ing us! I do not like being Ssh-ed. In addition to that, she would say this irritating, "Okay, ladies!" to get our attention and stop everyone from giggling/talking so she could get on with the next product demo. I'm sorry. You have a bunch of women together in a room full of snacks, alcoholic beverages and vibrators, there's going to be a lot of laughing and talking, a virtual uproar. Joan, a first grade teacher, said she doesn't Ssh her students, let alone a roomful of adults. And you don't get Kristen and I together for something like that without us making each other laugh repeatedly. At one point I whispered to her and Brandy, Am I going to have to pop a cap in her ass? Which made us laugh harder and get in more trouble. So, there it is. There's supposed to be rudeness at a party like that, but not the kind she was dishin' out.

This is in no way meant to be a slam at my sister-in-law. In fact, she should be commended on her efforts for the party. She does catering on the side, which meant the hors d'oeuvres were absolutely fab. I was sad we got there too late to see the penis-shaped cheese log (with crackers)in its original form. The setting was also brilliant - a hair salon? The ultimate female environment! But instead of discussing hair and make-up, everyone was talking about dick. I'll definitely thank Kelly the next time I see her and hopefully Lindsay isn't a close personal friend of hers. Though maybe if she is, Kelly can tell her to chill on the drill sergeant routine.

We did manage to sneak some pictures with Brandy's phone and if she sends them to me, depending on how damning they are, I may post a few. I know there's at least one of me I probably won't be able to but I'm sorry - you put a big blue plastic penis in my hand, how could I NOT hold it up zealously and stick my tongue out? You can't fight something as involuntarily Pavlovian as that. At least I can't.


Taoist Biker said...

What the hell? Even I, as clueless as I am about women in general, would guess that the best way to get sales in an environment like that would be to let the gals get silly. The sillier they get, the more they ramp up the outrageousness and start daring each other to do crazy stuff and bingo! You've just sold twenty paisley dildos. (A smart salesgal would also stock up on Duracells to sell as well.)

I can resist the big blue vibrators just fine thank you! (It's the purple ones that get me. Shhh.)

Kim said...

Batteries - what a brilliant idea! Of course many times they are only placing the orders at these parties, with deliveries happening a few days later, but yes, as a courtesy batteries would be a nice touch. This girl was clueless.
Purple is my favorite color; glad I didn't hold one of those!

crisitunity said...

I agree with TB. Silliness and alcohol are keys to the kingdom at a party like that. What a fool.

Kim said...

We kept TRYING to be silly! But the mean lady wouldn't let us!

Heather said...

Act silly and get loud (and there was brief nudity) was all we did at the one Cindy had at her house.

"You work on commission right? Big mistake. Huge."


Kim said...

That was worth writing about if only for the Pretty Woman ref!

Dyskinesia said...

Oh, nice pull, Heather! Very nice! ;)

UN-real. And no way. I have almost no self-control when it comes to crap like that, so it is entirely possible that I would have stood up and taken over. Girlfriend needs to get back into the Tupperware sales. Or Amway. No one hands me a dildo and then tells me to shut up unless they're paying me $200 for the hour.