I guess this is the reason most people in my position would probably keep to themselves all these details in the process of trying to get pregnant. When the test came up negative this morning, the first thing I thought of was having to break the news to almost thirty people via email or text or phone call (Johnann is the only one I'd feel comfortable enough to call at 4:55 a.m. because I knew she'd been awake for an hour already, even though Heather was awesome enough to offer as well - I didn't want the first time we spoke to be this). But, that's me and it always has been. Whatever I have going on, good or bad, big or small, odds are a few people probably know about it. Which is why blogging is so great; I get to tell total strangers all my personal business!
Anyway. Negative test. And really I think the most upsetting part for me was Brian. When I went to bed last night sometime around 1:00, he was sitting on the couch watching TV. When I got up at 4:45, he was in the exact same spot. I've seen him do this a couple of times and I knew it was because he was too excited to sleep. He had that crazy look in his eye. So when I had to break the result to him I felt like I was letting him down, which has been a common theme with the whole not getting pregnant thing. I know he wants it as badly as I do and if this makes any sense, I want him to be a father as much as I want to be a mother. But as usual, he reacted by being completely positive and upbeat and said all the right things to make me feel better. And I was reminded again how lucky I am to have such a kind person who loves me. Even the doggie got in on the action, leaning in on me and crawling in my lap. He doesn't like to see Momma upset.
Not that I want to prolong the agony of waiting again, but I'm pretty sure when I call the doctor today, they're going to tell me to wait a couple of days and take another test. My period isn't due until Tuesday, so this is still considered early, the test is supposedly only 50-something percent accurate today and blah blah blah. Should the next test show the same result, we then make the decision to start the process all over again, which is most likely what's going to happen. For someone like me, this is an extreme test in patience. But the way I'm choosing to deal with it is to still feel lucky. This isn't the end as Brian said, and he's right. This only means when it does happen I'm going to be able to appreciate it that much more.