Friday, March 20, 2009

To be continued

I guess this is the reason most people in my position would probably keep to themselves all these details in the process of trying to get pregnant. When the test came up negative this morning, the first thing I thought of was having to break the news to almost thirty people via email or text or phone call (Johnann is the only one I'd feel comfortable enough to call at 4:55 a.m. because I knew she'd been awake for an hour already, even though Heather was awesome enough to offer as well - I didn't want the first time we spoke to be this). But, that's me and it always has been. Whatever I have going on, good or bad, big or small, odds are a few people probably know about it. Which is why blogging is so great; I get to tell total strangers all my personal business!

Anyway. Negative test. And really I think the most upsetting part for me was Brian. When I went to bed last night sometime around 1:00, he was sitting on the couch watching TV. When I got up at 4:45, he was in the exact same spot. I've seen him do this a couple of times and I knew it was because he was too excited to sleep. He had that crazy look in his eye. So when I had to break the result to him I felt like I was letting him down, which has been a common theme with the whole not getting pregnant thing. I know he wants it as badly as I do and if this makes any sense, I want him to be a father as much as I want to be a mother. But as usual, he reacted by being completely positive and upbeat and said all the right things to make me feel better. And I was reminded again how lucky I am to have such a kind person who loves me. Even the doggie got in on the action, leaning in on me and crawling in my lap. He doesn't like to see Momma upset.

Not that I want to prolong the agony of waiting again, but I'm pretty sure when I call the doctor today, they're going to tell me to wait a couple of days and take another test. My period isn't due until Tuesday, so this is still considered early, the test is supposedly only 50-something percent accurate today and blah blah blah. Should the next test show the same result, we then make the decision to start the process all over again, which is most likely what's going to happen. For someone like me, this is an extreme test in patience. But the way I'm choosing to deal with it is to still feel lucky. This isn't the end as Brian said, and he's right. This only means when it does happen I'm going to be able to appreciate it that much more.

16 comments:

crisitunity said...

Gosh, I'm sorry, Kim. But 50-something percent accurate is...not very accurate. I wouldn't be too sure that test is correct.

Even if it is correct, this time, you'll have a positive test soon. You really will!

Kim said...

Thank you; I really believe that too.

Taoist Biker said...

+1 to Cris. She's exactly right.

Of course, if you told me I had a 50% chance of hitting the lottery, it would be hard not to get worked up about it beforehand, and feel really let down afterward...

Y'all will get there. He's right - this is not the end. (And hoo brother is it not the end. :D )

Heather said...

I just wanted to pop in and remind you that I'm thinking of you, Brian and the little yellow man. I wish I could give you a big hug and take you out to lunch or make you dinner or something.

How long did you say it would take for me to drive there? :D

Kim said...

TB - It's true; I *hope* this is only the beginning. I was hoping the road wouldn't be too long and difficult, but I forgot it was my life we're talking about here, the one where NOTHING is ever just simple! I'm willing to wait though.

Heather - I really wouldn't mind some of those Asian beef noodles right about now! (Stress makes me hungry)

jadesymb said...

**hugs**

snerkology said...

Aww, I'm sorry. But there's still hope, and I know you'll have a happy result soon! For some reason, your entry didn't show up in my feed reader, which is why I responded to your Twitter like I did.

Kim said...

Snerk - From what I gather, I still have to wait until I actually either get or miss my period (Tuesday) before anything is actually decided. Then at that point we just start over with another round of fertility drugs and I get to play the waiting game all over again. At the very least I'm learning lessons in patience, something I normally don't have a lot of.
Thank you so much for thinking of me.

suzy2110 said...

I'm really sorry about the negative result, Kim, but it's still way early- one of my friends never tested positive until she was three weeks late with any of her three pregnancies.

Thinking about you loads...it will all work out in the end, I am sure of it. ((hugs))

Taoist said...

See, Suzy confirms Coach's "nothing regular" theory. :D

*ducks*

shmode said...

Damn, I was so hoping for you! I still hope the test is wrong!

Kim said...

Yes, of course I Googled "Negative pregnancy test" and got to read a ton of stories about people who tested negative but were really pregnant. Not that it matters really, but it did make me feel a little better.
So did a nice long nap.
That's okay TB, I know even coaches are right SOMETIMES!

Julie said...

Kim, I'll add another story to that list. I tested negative with Nicky and had a period for three days. I totally gave up. Then I tested one last time, and it was positive with a very faint line. So don't give up hope! You will eventually get your Big Fat Positive. That said, I know looking at a negative test is discouraging. I understand what you're going through and I'm feeling for you.

Swistle said...

I'm not considering anything settled. Half a week early! I've never gotten a positive that early, even with an early-result test, even when I was pregnant with the TWINS. I took the test that time one day early and got such a faint positive I wasn't even sure it was there.

morethananelectrician said...

Guys point of view:

In my experience, as the years went by for us and the issues we had, I found that I kept myself guarded and reserved. Not showing too much excitement one way or another to try to keep my wife's emotions in check.

Her feelings of failure we enough for her to deal with...without having my expectations added to her stress level.

If your husband goes through the same things that I do, don't get to upset with him for doing his part not to put too much pressure on you.

I really feel for you and hope the best for boht of you.

Kim said...

Ah, Julie and Swistle, I was hoping for some input from you both. Thank you for that, seriously. I'm feeling much better today, like things might actually work out despite what that test said. That test doesn't hold power over me anymore.

MTAE - Brian is the perfect counter balance for me; he's always kept me positive during times when I've been in danger of losing it and this time has been no different. Thank you for your thoughts.