Today is one of those days I feel like my fight or flight instinct is on high alert and I either want to punch someone in the face (myself would suffice) or get in my shitty car, start driving in any direction and BE GONE. This doesn't happen very often, I have no idea what brought it on and I know it will pass soon. Having this much pent up unprovoked rage isn't healthy, so tonight's exercise might have to include more than just a nice neighborhood walk. A punching bag would prove very effective, but I don't own one of those. Not sure why.
I thought the work day would be pretty laid back, as the boss isn't here and I have a light week scheduled. Don't ever go into work thinking that - I should've known better. My phone hasn't stopped all day and at the other end of the line is some asshole asking me not relevant or else calling to bitch to me about shit that's out of our control.
Brian picked the wrong day to also call many many times. Not totally his fault, but uhhhh....
Rage. It's not good for the skin.
The repeat performance IUI went well on Saturday. This time we made the trip without his mom tagging along which was much cooler - she doesn't make me feel pressure per se; we just can't totally relax and be ourselves in front of her. That puts a strain on people who curse a lot.
We got there right on time at 10:00 and they immediately called Brian in to do his thing. He mentioned he wished he had a t-shirt made up that said "Super Stroker" that he could wear for these occasions but I took it in stride, knowing that's how he deals with being nervous - the stupid jokes. I never really thought about it, but unless you're in the porn business, semi-public masterbation must be a little bit stressful. But like last time, he handled his business (literally!) like a champ and was done in less than fifteen minutes. Whoever said Hustler magazine doesn't have its useful place in society has never gone through fertility treatments.
So thank you, Larry Flynt; you provided us with enough time to go grab some Egg McMuffins before it was time for me to have to be back in the office for my part of the procedure. That McDonald's right across the street from the clinic must do a ton of business from the infertile portion of the population. Just saying.
I had a different doctor than the one I've seen previously and this one wasn't young or cute, but he was a little old and weird. I liked him all the same. He reiterated my follicles looked good, that there were three big ones this time and 95 million sperm. Not to get too graphic, but he also noted my cervix gave obvious signs of ovulation, which nobody said last time. I know better than to be all hopey this time, but it was encouraging to hear that everything was as good if not better than last time. We also topped off the procedure with some more activity of our own, because you know - if 95 million is good, 190 million is better. And activity in our case usually begets more activity, though I had to remind him last night he accidentally deposited everything in the wrong location.
Okay, that was just gross. But true!
The doctor did say something weirdly comforting; that all we can all do is our best with trying for this and then let God and/or magic take care of the rest. I completely agree. But here's the thing. I don't want to hear from well-meaning people who tell me maybe it's not meant to be. I know this to be true, but I'm not ready to give up yet, so I'd rather not even enter into that line of thinking or conversation yet. My aunt told me that on the phone yesterday and I know she means well, she's just stupid sometimes.
That's like a comment I read somewhere not too long ago on a fertility site where someone chimed in that people who aren't able to have kids should probably take it as a sign that God is trying to thin the herd and keep from breeding too many idiots. I wanted so badly to get ahold of that person's contact information. Just to explain some of the examples of awesome parenting I've seen in my time - because in thier opinion everybody who currently has children must certainly be of high intelligence and background. Okay, that's enough of that - not in the right frame of mind to really be discussing this subject AT ALL.
Other than this, I sadly missed the cousin's girlfriend (baby mama) while she was here; she flew back to Florida yesterday. When Brian was over there Saturday night, she told him, "I wish Kim would've come with you - I really wanted to show her the baby!" Ahaha! I bet you did, honey! DARN IT ALL! What's awesome about that is that his cousin, aunt and uncle are still here for another week so I'll definitely make a point to visit them; they weren't the ones I was trying to avoid. Yeee!
The next couple of nights we're having our last hurrah of frozen overnight temperatures. While at first I was begrudging having to bring all the plants back inside, I just realized this is a good opportunity to have a couple more fireplace nights. And there is nothing like the fireplace (besides actual real sedatives) to calm me, so this couldn't have come at a better time.
Signing off now.
Click click boom!