A Short Interlude (Not as much fun as a Quaalude)

I'm strangely getting a lot of enjoyment writing about that one time when my marriage fell apart, and I'll probably post another fun increment a little later today. In the meantime, can we talk about my uterus for a minute? I have something going on the day after tomorrow I'm a little nervous about.

Part of the long and involved IVF process is checking me out to make sure there's nothing blocked, broken, diseased or otherwise jacked up about my lady parts. I've already had an ultrasound (my first ever), which was pretty cool. The only thing they could see wrong then was that my ovaries are too small. Nice going, ovaries - I'll see you in hell. But that provided only a basic overview of my innards. Friday they'll be getting up close and personal.

The procedure is something I have yet to be able to pronounce; maybe you'll have better luck - a Hysterosalpingogram. The hell, right? Let's go with HSG for short and assume it means "Big Painful X-ray." I'm not too nervous, but it's definitely on my mind. They suggest taking 600mg of Ibuprofen beforehand and to have someone drive me home afterwards. That would be Brian's job, especially since it's happening two hours away from here.

Here's a Googled description: During an HSG, a dye is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. An HSG also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall.

Hello? Any men left? No? Sorry about this. From here on out I promise I'll try to keep the gory medical details to a minimum. I guess I'm just asking for some internet love on Friday morning. Starting around 11:30 or so would be fantastic. While you're figuring out what to do for lunch or maybe plotting to sneak out of work to start the weekend early, I'd so appreciate if you pause for a minute and think of me getting dye shot up my vag and then having pictures taken of it. Okay, maybe not when you're thinking about lunch. But at some point; that would be swell.

Lights!...Camera!...Action??

I'm usually a little slow to jump on the latest and greatest technological bandwagon. Sometimes it's financial, as in Why yes, I'd love to see a big flatscreen plasma hung up on the wall above the fireplace, but darn it, I can't seem to find that extra $3000 laying around anywhere. Sometimes the item just falls down a little lower on my want list - I still haven't bought myself an mp3 player, even though I'd talked so much about it right before Christmas and could've easily procured one with all the crazy sales that went on. Right now I'm more, Eh; I'll get one when I get one, you know? Now that I have a private office, blocking people out and listening to music is as easy as shutting my door. And it's not like I've been EXERCISING for hell's sake, so those two reasons alone made owning one a much lower priority.

I didn't own a digital camera until a couple of years ago, though I knew once I did I'd use the hell out of it and I have. My little Sony Cybershot is not fancy but for my needs and skill level it does its job nicely. And my dvr? Every day I greet it: Hellooo Lovah, and I would quit watching TV altogether than watch it without this thing. The Internet: we lived full lives without it in our home until the time came it became a necessary tool for bringing extra income in. Of course it didn't take long for it to become a large portion of our home entertainment as well. Somebody in this house has honed his poker playing to an impressive level, (PokerStars if you ever want to play cards with Brian), somebody else chooses Allrecipes.com over her cookbooks half the time, and who the heck needs those big bulky phone books anymore when it's just as easy to go on Yellowpages.com? I don't like admitting to being so dependent on it, but let's be honest here. The first thing I do every morning after peeing is come in here and check out the weather, both here and sometimes where my loved ones reside and I love it. LOVE IT.

So then along comes the webcam. I gave almost no thought to them whatsoever, beyond thinking it's cool that other people were starting to use them. Then back in October, good friend and ex-coworker Joe and I were discussing them and he told me he could get me one cheap from a company they do business with. When I asked him what his definition of "cheap" was he said Don't worry about the price and give me your damn address. Even I know a good deal when I hear one, so I couldn't really argue. A few days later it arrived in the mail. I got all excited and set it down on my desk. And then did nothing else with it for three months.

Then my damn family, the one that has all the cute kids in it? They told me they all use them. When I let it slip that I had one but wasn't using it, they started harrassing me and calling me all kinds of mean names and threatened to disown me if I didn't install it immediately. Not really. But they did keep bugging me. And when I heard stories like seeing Baby R run up to the camera and lift up her shirt so she could get a long-distance zerbertz on her belly, I finally caved. While talking on the phone to my cousin who's the owner of the cute kids this morning, I installed the damn thing. It's hard enough to hear those little voices on the phone and then every time I get a picture of one of them see how freaking fast they're growing - what the hell am I thinking not taking advantage of this awesome device. I'm a little retarded sometimes, I really am.

I think I installed it correctly, considering all I had to do was plug a couple of cables in and click "Next" a couple of times and then "Finish". And now I'm looking at the weird little thing sitting on top of my monitor as we speak and oh..oh my God..there's ME! Holy shit; I need to lose some weight. Of course I misplaced the software and info it came with so any technical questions or concerns I have will need to be addressed with Joe, who will soon regret ever sending me this thing. But right now my green sweater and brown-red hair both look sort of white, so there's obviously some adjustments that need to be made.

Now that it's showtime I'm experiencing a mild case of performance anxiety. Am I supposed to change out of my pajamas, wash yesterday's mascara off, reapply more make-up and brush my hair? I tend not to do those things very much unless I'm leaving the house. For the time being it's only my family who will be seeing me and they've seen my scary morning face for many years. But. I already know a couple of friends who have cameras too and of course will want to use it with them and THEN WHAT??? I have to step up my game, man. And not only do I need to look decent, what if I'm totally boring; I mean, should I line up some card tricks to have handy? Learn to juggle? God, the pressure.

When we were younger, we all talked about having "TV phones" someday, where we'd be able to talk and see each other at the same time. I'm pretty sure they had them on the Jetsons, which is how we formed our ideas for what the world would be like "in the future" when we got older. But back then I never really thought it would happen during my lifetime. It sort of blows my mind, really. Does this mean my dream of owning a flying bubble car might actually come true someday? If so, I'm not holding out for that one; I will have one as soon as possible and I will fly over to your house and visit all the time. We all will. Because what better way to use all this techie stuff than to be able to stay close with the people you love most in the world.

So hey, if you are also a proud owner of one of these camera thingies and ever want to see and talk to me, let me know. It shouldn't take me very long to figure it all out; I don't know, a few months or a year? I'm kidding! Sort of.

Denied no longer!

The last time I was this fascinated with a product that was sold As Seen on TV, was the Magic Bullet. Sister got one, Grace got one and I wanted one. Brian said okay, but why. I thought about it for a minute and said, "To make milkshakes!" He said, "Go buy some ice cream; I'll make you the best milkshake you've ever had without a stupid Magic Bullet," and then laughed condescendingly. Which really pissed me off and made me not want to like the milkshake he made. But I couldn't deny its perfection. It was lovely - Breyer's Chocolate & Strawberry, thick, eaten with a spoon. And I forgot about the Magic Bullet.

This? I don't think I can forget about as easily and I doubt Brian can whip up a homemade version of it. Unless he has some hidden mad sewing skills I'm not aware of. Possible, but not likely.

I'm obsessed. I've seen the commercial for a few weeks now and every time I'm like, "Oh my God, it's THE SNUGGIE! I NEED ONE! RIGHT NOW!!!" He just shakes his head. He's really mean sometimes. Then to make things worse, one of my heroes and Myspace "friends", Diablo Cody, author of Candy Girl and writer of Juno and the soon-to-be released Jennifer's Body and Showtime series United States of Tara (which reminds me, note to self: add Showtime to cable package) blogs that she not only HAS the Snuggie, she can't picture how she ever managed to live BEFORE the Snuggie. She provided photographic evidence:



More proof of why it sucks for me not to be her. I mean okay, I want to be Tina Fey too, but does SHE own a Snuggie? I doubt it.

To top it all off, yesterday I got an email. From Snuggie! Which is obviously the final sign I needed. Brian thinks it's some evil internet marketing tool that guessed how much I want one, but how could that be? This is the first time I've ever spoken of it to anyone but him. There is nothing sinister about this. It's a blanket. With sleeves. If that isn't the perfect, best, most awesome thing ever in the whole wide world, I don't know what is. I've already pictured myself in front of the fireplace and reading while wrapped in a Snuggie of my very own. I don't think I have a choice at this point.

In these trying economic times, you're supposed to take comfort in the little things.

You're also supposed to not spend money on stupid shit you don't need. But I'm ignoring that part.

I Got the Music in Me

The other day Brian sadly told me he accidentally washed (and dryed) his mp3 player while doing laundry. He was a little horrified, but I figured it was about time for its demise. I bought it for him over two years ago, some no-name brand at Best Buy for under a hundred bucks. Given his consistent propensity for destroying things, (He is not known as Captain Destructo for nothing) I was just happy it had lasted this long. He hasn't said anything about replacing it, but I know he loved his little gadget and the type of work he does allows him to listen to music and/or talk radio all day. Accordingly, I've been scouring the internets and the Sunday ads so I can get him a replacement for Christmas.

It's strange that I haven't owned one yet. Music has always been a very important thing to me. In my lifetime, I've grudgingly switched from albums to cassettes to cds to rabidly downloading songs to my computer(s). (The totally legal way. Totally.) I'm usually a few months to a year behind the times and all the cool kids, but I always cave and eventually make the upgrade. Although I would totally love to listen to an 8-track again. What?

But somehow I've managed to become one of the only people on earth not residing in a third world country without an Ipod or one of its poorer relations. We came close to scoring two of them last Christmas in one of those too-good-to-be-true-so-it-probably-isn't situations but alas, it wasn't meant to be. I'm starting to think it's finally time. Of course all that depends on how the next few weeks shape up financially, but if things go as well as they're looking, this is what might be at the top of my list to Santa.

J and I were talking about it last night, since she's also one of the few Ipod-less damned souls left, keeping me company in our sad musicless hell. For the past year of so we've said to each other, Eh - it would be nice, but how much would it really add to our lives? Last night we started listing the ways:

Exercising - music has ALWAYS been such a helpful tool with this. Whether I'm taking a brisk walk outside or chugging away on a gym machine, music makes it possible to go longer, sometimes faster and more fun. Shit, Madonna just popped into my head: "Music! Makes the people! Come together! Yeah." Damn it!

Household chores - you and I both know how much better it is when you're cleaning/straightening/putting stuff away and have some Beastie Boys (or whatever) cranked. Brian got me a really nice wall-mounted cd player/radio last Christmas that I currently use for this, but it's no good for cleaning out the car, raking leaves or putting clothes away back in the closet room unless it's cranked to a pissing-off-neighbors level. And while I do enjoy pissing off my neighbors, those fuckers are crazy and I'm scared of retaliation.

At the office - while I continue to hang in limbo waiting to see if I'll ever get my own space, I continue to be at the mercy of Crazypants. Almost every day, I am subjected to her noises, whether it be her radio playing Angry Black Preacher, Angry Black Talk Show Host, gospel music in addition to her fantastic telephone ettiquette. Every so often I'll play music on the computer to retaliate, but honestly, fighting noise wars or any battles with her just makes me tired. Had I a little earbud nestled securely in one of my earholes, I could block her out by listening to Angry White Talk Show Host and then throw in some Metallica - "Master! Master! Master of puppets is pulling your striiiing!" and I think that would relieve a lot of frustration.

As it stands right now, I'm mostly listening to music for short periods of time while in the car. As I have only a six mile commute, this is not nearly enough and I'm in musical withdrawal. And now that the weather has turned, it's time to break out and revise my Cold Weather mix. See, I have a Hot Weather mix, songs that are and will always be great to listen to in the Summer: David Lee Roth's Crazy from the Heat, Bon Jovi's 99 in the Shade, Tom Petty's Even the Losers, anything from the License to Ill album, etc. Then for Winter, Coldplay's Clocks, Bob Segar's Main Street, Counting Crow's Long December, Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street, etc. Seriously - play some of the songs I've listed and see if it doesn't conjure a certain time in your life, and it'll correspond to the correct weather situation. It's totally scientific and shit.

So, yeah. I think I have myself convinced. Time to join all the cool kids so I can be cool too. But right now I need to put something on so I can stop singing fucking Madonna.

Stuff I haven't had time to say lately

Let the record show, since I'll be looking for this information next summer, October 18th was the first night we had to turn the heat on and then had the first fireplace fire the following night. Let the record also show Brian bitched at me for turning the heat on. Yes. At which point I told him I was sorry I'm not a 190 pound hairy beast, but if he wanted me to I could make that a new goal. I can't help it if he's a frigging heat rock who is comfortable sleeping in 65 degree temperatures. I am not. I like it a *little* cool, because then it's fun to sleep in a pack, but I get very foul if I have to wake up and be cold. That is when I start doing things like wearing the same pair of socks three days in a row and skipping showers because I don't feel like getting out of the warm zone. Not that I've ever done that before.I've recently discovered two products that are both FABULOUS and should be filed under the category I Never Used To Need Products To Give Myself That Just-Had-Sex Healthly Youthful Glow But Now I Do. Hey, we're all friends here right? I'm just being honest and trying to pass along some valuable information to all my Girls of a Certain Age. Wow, that's a lot of capitalization in one paragraph. Let's get to the point.

First up we have this:

I'd told Grace I was looking for something that would peel the first layer or two of skin off of my face, and that I ended up buying something in the Neutrogena line and that I was fairly happy with it. She was kind enough to bring this Olay stuff with her when they came up a few weeks ago and when we did the switcheroo to test out each other's products, there was no comparison. Her face looked okay with my stuff and mine looked like I was twenty years old. I didn't want to put make-up on. I had what we used to refer to back in the days of sex, drugs and rock 'n roll the Hi-Pro Glow. It's $23 at Walmart, compared to the $17 I paid for the Neutrogena stuff and worth every single penny of the price difference. I now have one of my own and learned an important lesson. Never be a Jew when it comes to your face.

Next up:

I don't know if you can read that, but it's Bumble & Bumble grooming creme. Now normally I stick to Redken hair stuff, mostly because I've used it for years and know which products work best for me and also Kelly gets it for me at her hairdoer's discount. However, a regular blogger I read is happily obessesed with hair care products and after reading her review of this, I had to spend this week's grocery money and buy it. It is rather spendy but in fairness I have to give you the price I paid because that's part of the rules, so here it goes...gulp...$28 at Target. OH GOD! I know! Thirty bucks for hair shit! In these volitile and ever-increasingly frightening economic times, I pick NOW to try out a ridiculously expensive non-necessity? Well, you don't get as far as I have in life without making financial decisions like these, people. I've already justified enough to myself so that I don't need to do it again here, but I will say this. The stuff is AWESOME. It smells like a freshly rained-on field of flowers in the middle of summer and again, it looks as though I just got the dust knocked off of it. In a good way. You'll just have to trust me on this. Mayhaps I should take a picture of my hair and mayhaps I will soon. Good stuff.

I feel a little like a black sheep of Brian's family right now. I haven't been to the parents' for Sunday "dinner" in weeks because of people here visiting me. This past weekend was especially naughty, considering his brother and sister-in-law finally deemed a visit to his parents' worthy of them after almost three years of not coming here. Atlanta is only five hours from here, but I guess after Julie achieved her goal of marrying Grant and having two kids, she didn't think it was necessary to spend time wiht his family anymore. They were very surprised when Brian showed up without me Sunday and I'm sure not very pleased.

After all, I missed out on the chance to see my little nephews for the first time - how could I? And for something as unimportant as having a FRIEND at my house for the SECOND WEEK IN A ROW? I suppose I get somewhat of a free pass, having just had my grandmother pass away, sort of. What would really be funny would be if I skipped this Sunday too, because the following Sunday I'm going to miss because I'll be driving back from Orlando. No, I wouldn't dare.

Or WOULD I?

These are a few of my fav-or-ite things

While out shopping today, I realized there are some small, inexpensive things that make me inexplicably happy. I guess it's a good thing, since it's been quite awhile since I've been able to purchase a big expensive thing - although in the next few days I'll be getting my new printer/scanner/copier/fax and I'm about to explode with joy - it's nice to be satisfied with the small stuff. Here's a short list:

1. Breyer's Yo Crunch yogurt. My usual yogurt is Yoplait and has been for years. I'm not quite sure what made me try this one, except for the cool name and the cute packaging that shows the granola on top. Yummy, fun and whatever that good bacteria yogurt has - win, win, win. Of course there seems to be a few more calories than in the Yoplait, but sometimes you have to sacrifice.

2. Neutrogena Resurfacing Cream. I almost went with the Olay Regenerist system, but this was ten bucks cheaper and I love all things Neutrogena, so I figured I'd give this one a shot first. It's quick and easy: plop a little cream on the cute little foam applicator and lightly scrub your face for a minute or two. Afterwards my face is as soft as a baby's booty and my skin is literally aglow. While it's true sex does have the same glowing effect on the skin, it is sorely lacking in the abrasive factor. Well, at least abrasion on my face. Ooh, too far? Okay.

3. Glade air freshener spray in Clean Linen. I used to love Glade's Country Popourri and that scent still brings me straight back to the Tallahassee days, but my favorite smell lately is anything clean linen. And instead of shelling out the big bucks for Yankee Candle Clean Cotton, which I occasionally do, this only set me back 86 cents! Squiiiiirt, aaaahh. I just went through my coupons and found a buy one get one free for this - oh yeah, time to go crazy with the spray.

4. L'Oreal Colour Riche lipstick color In The Buff. I've been on a quest for the perfect nude lipstick color since I once saw Cindy Crawford wear a nude color in the 90's and while this still isn't complete lipstick nirvana, (mayhaps because I still haven't figured out a way to get Cindy Crawford's face?)it comes pretty darn close.

5. Long-sleeve t-shirts. It's that time of year again, the time when I can happily throw one of these bad boys on in one of the many colors I own, either by itself or as a layering piece. I own several different brands, but the best by far in quality and shelf-life is Gap's Favorite Tee. They don't fade and hold their shape for years. I'm wearing a black one right now with jeans and I look completely presentable with no effort whatsoever.

6. Johnson's Baby Powder. I was raised on this stuff and only recently have rediscovered the joys of shooting this stuff on key areas of my body straight out of the shower. I won't go into details of what key areas, but I'm sure you can figure it out. While I always lotion up afterwards with my Bath and Body Works Body Butter (another fave) the powder makes me feel pure and clean like nothing else and the nostalgic smell fools me into thinking I still have my whole life ahead of me.