Wednesday, August 27, 2008

As excited as I am about this weekend, here are a few reasons why I'd prefer a mountain vacation in the late Fall to a beach vacation in the late Summer:

1. I'm being forced to get a spray tan tomorrow so that when I wear shorts no one in my vicinity goes blind. I've done the spray tan thing once before with decent results, so I'm not too worried about turning into an Oompa Loompa or Lindsay Lohan circa 2006, but there's always that slight possibility.

2. In the mountains I could wear my favorite wardrobe of hoodies, sweaters and jeans. Here I will be wearing the aforementioned shorts and God help me, a bathing suit for the first time all Summer. Trust me, the only part of the bathing suit that will be visible will be the upper portion. I'm confident the current size of my chesticles will detract any unwanted attention away from other Problem Areas. Although my sister-in-law recently had a boob job, so even my best assets will be in direct competition with perfect man-made fakies. Damn it. She's also tall and blonde. My favorite. I've met her twice but never really hung out like this, so I'll reserve judgment for now because she seems cool. Let's hope so with fake boobs and tall blondness.

3. Dry mountain air = shiny good hair. Wet salty sea air = Jew-fro. My flat iron will be perpetually plugged in and I will have to come armed with the strongest hair taming products in my arsenal just to stay looking normal. People with normal hair have no idea what I go through just to APPEAR like I have normal hair. None.

4. What if my spray tan fades before the weekend is over? That wouldn't matter in the mountains because I wouldn't have to have gotten sprayed to begin with.

5. Hiking in mountains vs. walking on beach - well, I'll give this one a break, considering I do enjoy both and I love picking shells. Which I then take home to do something crafty with them and then forget about them until it's time to move again and then I throw them away.

6. Once while spending a Fall weekend in the mountains, Brian and I had hot nature sex in broad daylight amongst some large rocks in a crystal clear cool mountain stream. See yesterday's blog for why we will not be having relations in the ocean. (Gosh Kelly; isn't it fun to read about all this sex stuff about me and your brother?)

7. And regardless of sex, somehow some way, I WILL get sand in my crack. I hate sand in my crack so much. That generally doesn't happen in the mountains.

8. I grew up in Florida. The beach is not a novelty to me. Not so much. Mountains however, ah mountains. They call to me deep down into my very soul. I could never, ever spend enough time in the mountains. Ever.

9. I love to snow ski and I'm pretty good at it. I've never ever been able to water ski. Not that we're water skiing this weekend; I just thought I'd throw that in there.

10. In the mountains I never see girls walking around in bikinis. Tan, skinny, young girls. In bikinis.

The funny part about this? This vacation ALMOST happened in the moutains at the end of September. That is when Brian's dad's 60th birthday is so he'd talked about all of us getting together then. But Brian's younger brother, who shall remain nameless said no, that's too far away from them and not a good time with the two small kids and blah blah, fucking blah), so it was all rearranged to accomodate them since the idea was for ALL of Bruce's sons and their wives to be there. Fripp Island, near Beaufort is where we're now going. Well. Guess who's still not able to make it this weekend? Nice one. Who cares though. This lament was exaggerated for comedic effect and I know it's going to be a really fun weekend. I'm trying to work on bringing a laptop too, so there could potentially be Blogs From the Road. I know, I know - your heart will break otherwise.

I have so much freaking work to do - I'm super smart and responsible for taking this half hour to write this. But I'm excited that we actually have plans for a holiday weekend that involve a real vacation. It's been way too long. If I have to suffer with seeing tan perfect asses in thongs all weekend, so be it. I plan on staying drunk the whole time anyway. Kidding. Sort of.

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