Friday, November 28, 2008

Black hole Friday

My built in shopping alarm kicked in this morning, waking me up at 6:05am. I thought about throwing a pair of jeans on over my pajama pants and a hoodie over my pajama shirt and going to Walmart. What? I did it last year and came back the proud owner of an eighty dollar camera. But laziness won out this time and I rolled over to go back to sleep. But then I couldn't go back to sleep. So I got up and made a pot of coffee. Then I drank most of the pot of coffee. I let Brian have a cup. He left for work soon after, because I think he wanted to get away from me. I'm so jacked up on coffee I know what Amy Winehouse feels like after a night of hitting the crackpipe. Is crackpipe one word? Crack. Pipe. I don't know. But I feel like Amy.

Which is good, because I sort of have a lot to do today as far as decking the halls. I thought I'd get some of it done yesterday but instead I sat on my ass most of the day. The food I made for dinner required almost no effort and I did that shit on purpose. Last year I thought it was important I make an entire traditional Thanksgiving dinner and by the time it was time to eat, it all looked disgusting to me and I barely touched anything until the next day. Not this year. I made the chocolate pie dessert of fabulousness ahead of time and stuck it in the fridge to chill (ha!). I ripped the tails off of a pound of jumbo shrimp and poured coctail sauce in a fancy little bowl. I dipped a pound of sea scallops in melted butter, wrapped them in bacon and broiled them for ten minutes. I doctored up a thing of Country Crock loaded mashed potatoes, heated up some rolls and some peas and BAM! Dinner is served. It was a beautiful thing. We ate, watched some telly and played a rousing game of Scrabble, which I unfortunately lost. It's good to be married to someone who has a good vocabulary, but that shit pissed me off all the same.

I'll now take advantage of my altered state of mind and pose a somewhat embarrassing question. I wouldn't do this if I was sober, so I'm taking advantage before I change my mind.

How do you feel about dirty talk? Not on TV or from your average thirteen-year-old, no - in the boudoir (that's bedroom for you non-French speaking folk). I've never been able to do it. Ever. I can't even write dirty shit without getting all flustered. I'm sad that if ever necessary, I could never fall back on a career as a phone sex operator. I just think I'd sound stupid if I ever tried to say anything. What if I got all into it and said something like, "I want you to blank me in the blank with a big hot hammer!" I mean, I don't think I could ever look at myself in the mirror again. Let alone look at him afterwards. I don't know. Is it that important? It must be if there are entire careers based on being able to do this.

I know. Step away from the coffee pot.

Happy shopping, if that's what you're crazy enough to be doing today.


morethananelectrician said...

Crud. You people are tough. It would seem funny if I commented on other posts and left this one to go past...

We have a neat way of keeping what happens in that room/closet/bathroom (bedroom suite)in there and maybe giggling about it the next day with a slap, grab or pinch on the ass.

Without getting too descriptive...the rules change for us we are away from the bed. Once we leave the bed...things get "out of hand". The bed is the safe area.

With kids in the house, the bed is actually the noisiest place...we also installed a lock on the door. The sound of the door locking is like a bell in a boxing match.

I am not sure "big hammer" ever came up in the melee though!

Psuedokim said...

The bed SHOULD be the safe area! I don't want to be scared in the bed. And if I ever said anything, it would get scary real quick.

iamheatherjo said...

Depending on how you mean 'safe' I might have to disagree. But if you mean 'safe' as in you should feel secure enough to do and say whatever the heck you want to in there, hell yeah!

Usually, if I am being properly entertained, I don't really have the wherewithal to form any kind of coherent sentences anyway so it's usually not a problem.

I actually don't much like it when someone asks me to tell them what I want.

I usually tell them I want them to shut up and get to it. ;)

Psuedokim said...

I agree with Heather.
You know what to do, now be like Nike and JUST DO IT!!!