Hey, does somebody wanna buy me a new mattress for Christmas? Hannukah? Kwanza? Whichever, it doesn't matter. I got up this morning barely able to walk, my back hurt so badly. And no, smartass, it's not from being old. Our mattress is trying to kill us slowly. Here's a tip I've shared before, because I'm pretty sure I've been complaining about this for a long time now: don't be a Jew when buying something this important.
Of course, I'm forever and always on a tight budget so whenever I buy something big or out of the ordinary, I try to be really careful. I'd gotten a Christmas bonus at work that year (the year being 2005) and bought a new bed frame. Of course a bed frame isn't much good without something to go in it, so I went with my friend Jen to a mattress warehouse place in the scary part of Tampa. Jen has a truck. We also have a truck, but there are certain things I trust Jen's judgment on more than Brian's, and this was one of those things. It's a good thing too, because get this: she actually talked me into getting the one I got because I was going to go even cheaper. Thank God she was there - at least we ended up with something one step up from utter crap. And here we are three years later, limping out of bed every morning. Again. Jew. Don't be one. I paid $200 for this piece of shit. I'm sure the damage it's causing our backs will end up costing a lot more in the long run. Lesson learned. But I can't even come close to affording something new right now, so oopsie. And ouchie.
Lest you think this weekend is all pain and suffering, I'll share a happier story. I was going through an old wallet yesterday and what did I find but a Barnes & Noble gift card. I save everything, so I didn't have much hope when I went online to see if any money was left on the card. Imagine my delight when I saw a little over ten dollars. What! Unheard of! Usually if I have a gift card of the book store variety, that sucker is used up immediately plus I go at least twenty bucks over. I don't know how this happened, but I didn't question it; I put pants on and got my ass to the store.
Now if I was a good person, I would've used this opportunity to buy a gift for someone - not only is it soon to be Baby Jesus's birthday, but both my mom and Iris have birthdays this month. Way to go, moms. Thanks for making it so convenient. But I'm not a good person, haven't you heard? I bought myself a new book. I did get both their birthday cards though; that counts for something. Don't you judge me - books are my crack. And crackheads aren't known for their willingness to share.
Way to justify it. I suck.
Also, yesterday was the Florida/Alabama game. We won't discuss who won, because of course you probably already know the answer to that. Even if you don't follow college football or more specifically the SEC. It doesn't matter. I'm used to my most hated team winning everything - the texts, the phone calls, the emails, all laughing at me; whatever. It's not the point. I half paid attention to the game yesterday and noticed something. Maybe it's just because I'm a perv or have the sense of humor of a thirteen-year-old boy, but have you ever noticed what the announcers say is so sexual in nature? After I laughed at the first one, I started writing them down; this was just some of them:
"He really just drilled the tight end."
"The ball's in the air."
"You have to be comfortable with the ball in the air."
"This thing has just popped right open!"
"He had to grab anything that was available."
"He's some kind of plugger, isn't he?"
"He just knew he was going to hit it."
There were a lot more. After awhile Brian would just look at me after something was said because he knew. I may have ruined football for him forever. Yeah, sure. Either way, it made it ten times more fun for me, and going forward I'll be sure to employ this easy way of amusing myself for future games. It seems like this season has gone by fast and pretty soon I'm going to have to deal with Sad Man once it's over. Except that he's taken a new interest in basketball all of a sudden. God help me. I guess I'll soon find out if their announcers use porno terms as well. Can't wait.