Saturday, February 28, 2009

Kim Van Winkle

Photobucket

That's Brian preparing my intravenous drug injection with grade A black tar heroin. At least I'm guessing that's what it was, because after he injected me (heh, that's what she said - sorry, it's unavoidable) at about 5:30pm, things get a little hazy. Here's a timeline:

5:30 - I lay on the couch, he nervously asks if I'm ready, the dog stands close by in case he has to protect Mama.

5:32 - I pull my shirt slightly up and he gives me the shot in the fat roll of my lower belly, which finally makes it useful for something. I feel no pain whatsoever and ask him if he's doing it right (This happens a lot. Just kidding). Five seconds later, it's done.

5:35 - I ask if I have to lie there for a few minutes and he checks the instructions. No, I can get up.

5:40 - I text Sister: "Brian just shot me up like a junkie pro!"

5:45 - I call Johnann to tell her how painless and easy it was.

6:00 - I abruptly get off the phone with Johnann because I'm about to burp, puke, poop or all three. I won't get graphic; let's just say I didn't puke.

6:15 - Sister calls to see how everything is. I walk around outside while on the phone to get cool air because I still feel vomitous. I tell her I think I'm going to lie back down for awhile.

6:30 - Sit on the couch with book. Start to nod. Brian suggests going to lie down and I say, "STOP BEING MEAN TO ME!" and nod back out. Sitting up.

11:45 - Wake up, still sitting on couch sore as fuck. Say to him, "Why did you let me fall asleep in that position!" He rolls his eyes. I stay awake for about an hour then we both go to bed for the night.

Today at Noon - Finally wake up for real. Feel vaguely pissed and not sure why until I remember I'd dreamt he told me my butt is ugly and he wants a divorce because of it. Asshole!

So I don't know what the hell that was about. I sort of remember reading some of the side effects included nausea and drowsiness, so I guess they weren't kidding because that shit didn't play. Now I'm a little nervous about the same thing happening tonight; I don't really want to get another fourteen hours of sleep, as nice as it was. On the other hand we don't really have anything planned, so whatever. It's been raining all day and there's a chance tomorrow it will turn into snow, so I guess it's good sleepin' weather.

I better go bathe now while I'm still awake enough to do so. One thing about all these ultrasounds; I haven't been this consistently groomed in the privates since we first started dating. Ironically Brian can't even appreciate it because we're not allowed to do it now for the next few days. The time has come (PUN INTENDED) for his swimmers to build up so we get the best and brightest of the bunch. It's survival of the quickest in sperm world, apparently.

Sperm world. Sounds like an amusement park. Always crowded and everyone fighting to get to the front of the line to get on the egg ride.

Okay, I'll stop now.

8 comments:

Swistle said...

OMG this is so interesting to read about, and I LOVE that photo of Brian. He looks so serious. (Also, he = hottt.)

morethananelectrician said...

You are the comedian here!!!!

After all of that...you are mad at him for saying your but is too big for you to be his wife in a DREAM, but ACTUALL stabbing you in the stomach in real life gets a pass...

You ladies are amazing!

snerkology said...

He looks so serious and yet so damned EAGER in this photo! :D I'm sorry, but I can't stop thinking about THAT scene in Pulp Fiction... you know the one I mean... GAH. Good on ya! This has GOT to do the trick!

dyskinesia said...

Okay, as someone who takes various hormone drugs on a regular basis and so knows firsthand what is means to have your 'mones jumping around like they're attached to a bungee (and the bathroom effects thereof, thankyouverymuch!), I was laughing my fool head off at this! STOP BEING MEAN TO ME!! omg, CLASSIC.

Hang in there, girl! 3 to 5, 3 to 5 - hugs!

suzy2110 said...

I had a dream that Ian had been REALLY BLATANTLY unfaithful to me a couple of days ago and spent all of the next morning glaring at him, to his complete confusion.

Those hormones must be really hard to deal with. I have some friends who have been through this a number of times, if you want me to put you in touch with them let me know.

Hope you're feeling OK- thinking about you often.

suzy2110 said...

DUH- meant to say, GOOD LUCK with the scan this morning! xx

Kim said...

Swistle - He got all embarrassed when he saw I'd taken the picture, even though I told him it was cute.

MTAE - No, not that my butt was too big (he wishes I had a little MORE junk in my trunk) but that it was UGLY! That was very hurtful of him to say! (In my dream) I know, I'm insane. Even moreso than usual thanks to these hormones.

Snerk - I know exactly what scene you are talking about; the one that induced a panic attack in me when we saw it for the first time.

Dys - I have potty issues anyway; nobody told me the hormones could cause THINGS to happen - ugh! Very unpleasant surprise!

Suzy - Yeah, actually I would; I'm absorbing any and all stories regarding this right now, but so far all of them have been online. Thank you!

iamheatherjo said...

This post! Right here! It ate my comment!

It was a good one too. Swear.