Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Perspective

I've made an effort to try not to bitch too much over the past few days...oh, a little escapes here and there because I am still myself after all, but I've mostly tried to keep the raging, obscenity-laced, whiny, tearful, irrational and almost unrelenting feelings to myself and a few lucky people. I don't get like this very often, I don't like it and I don't want to spread my misery around.

Obviously I am really disappointed with the unsuccessful first IUI. It took a few days I think for me to get over the fact that even though everything happened as it was supposed to and that there are no obvious problems, it just didn't happen this time. I also had to get used to the idea of round two, which started this morning. When you start riding the Fertility Express, all the experts advise not to live your life in thirty-day increments and to keep living your life as normally as possible. Well I tried that, but it is hard not to think about it every single day, when most days involve either peeing into a cup, getting prodded in your baby-hole, taking this pill, taking that pill, taking this shot, etc. Inspecting your underwear, for the love of God.

This morning, for instance, started with the special treat of the Day 3 ultrasound, which is a bloody mess of a good time and fairly painful as well. Again, a new nurse in training was there in attendance with my regular hole-poker and she was teaching her how to read the screen and pointing out where my eggs and whatever were. All while putting intense pressure on my girl region with the large phallic Wand of Invasion; it was a bit much today. It also caused the exam to take a full five minutes longer than most times and five minutes is a long time when you're in pain. I thought about farting on her for spite but then figured I better not. It wouldn't strike her as a revenge thing so much as it would just look like an accident and then I'd have to act embarrassed and who has that kind of energy at 8:00 in the morning? Anyway, starting tonight it's back to the pills and shots and in another week we'll see what kind of follicle action I have going on.

Which just so happens to completely screw any plans I had for going to Florida. Even postponing it for a week wouldn't really work, as Brian's truck is going to need tons more money thrown at it before it will run again. Tons. And as anxious as I was to get away for a little while and go be with people I love, I can't come close to justifying it. "Okay Honey, you stay here and deal with all this shit by yourself while I go traipsing off on vacation. See you next week!" That's not me; I guess I don't qualify to be a Real Housewife of Whatever County, because I'm quite sure any of them would have no problem with it. That's the problem with having a conscience. And a soul. And not starring on a Bravo reality show.

So yeah, I was feeling pretty poopy thinking about all this on my way back into work this morning. Then I sat down to the computer to read a few blogs while drinking some coffee (YES, I AM DRINKING COFFEE RIGHT NOW; DOES ANYONE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT???) and got a shock. A blogger I've read for awhile and really enjoy, well, her husband passed away last night from heart failure. Right around the time me and the dog were taking our nice nightly walk. It was almost a screeching tire sound effect that happened in my brain as soon as I read that. My heart broke for her. And I felt like a complete and total schmuck. THESE are the problems I'm bitching about? Not getting pregnant on the first try, postponing a vacation and car trouble? What the hell is wrong with me. Yesterday when I was at a low point, I called Brian and burst into ugly, hiccuping, hysterical tears. He does what he always does and helped me to get a grip and even made me laugh before we got off the phone. That? Is everything to me. I'm so lucky for that. I'm done complaining. I'm sure it won't last forever, but that was a little wake-up call right there.

For that lady's husband, for my Dad who passed away seven years ago Sunday and for my friend Lisa who has been gone one year this coming Sunday:

"and, when he shall die...
take him and cut him out in little stars and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night" - William Shakespeare

"Turn around and say good morning to the night/For unless they see the sky/But they can't and that is why/They know not if it's dark outside or light" - Elton John

14 comments:

Taoist Biker said...

Damn. Sometimes perspective is a bitch. :(

Kim said...

That it is.

LL Cool Joe said...

Damn I'm so sorry.

Yeah, yeah I know what you are saying, I mean moan about crap and then you hear that someone has died or got cancer or something awful and you think to yourself and there was me moaning on feeling sorry for myself about that. But that's life.

Life sucks.

I was reading something today, and erm I don't know hpw to put this tactfully. Please don't think I'm being crude, I mean I haven't known you that long! But this article was saying the more passionate and exciting you can make your sex the more likely you are to get pregnant. There's been loads of research done into this in the UK and I was a bit lost by all the technical details but it was to do with the quality and amount of sperm.

And now I'll shut up!

LL Cool Joe said...

And a load of typos too! Didn't I do well? :D

Julie said...

Wow Kim. That is a big wake up call. Mine came last week when we found out Tim's grandma is going to die sometime in the next few days. But please don't be too hard on yourself. You can't help but live in the present because it is the experience you are having right now. There will always be people with more heartache than you and always people with less. But it doesn't change the validity of what you feel. Your feelings are still real. It is the odd, unpredictable cycle of life. Like Swistle's Blog says, "I acknowledge my luckiness without giving up my claim to the suckiness." And whoever tells a person undergoing fertility treatment to try not to live in 30 day cycles has no idea how ridiculous a request that is. Like you said, you're basically FORCED to focus on what is happening RIGHT now. What is my Progesterine today? What is my follicle count today? Is my period brown or red, and does it correspond with the exact day that it's supposed to be brown or red? Take this shot at exactly this minute tonight, etc. etc. etc. It is obvious to me that you are a person who has a strong concious and cares deeply for people, no matter what your current personal struggles may be.

That said, GOOD LUCK this month. My heart is totally with you and I'm wishing you the best each day!

Kim said...

Joe - Let's make this official right now: I like crudeness; I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy most of the time so I don't get easily offended! And I've read similar stuff like that as well; unfortunately when sex turns into something this goal-oriented, it's sometimes hard to make it "exciting." Well, if you're talking about only doing it with your spouse, that is. And we are - bad joke, bad joke! But I even read something about that in the waiting room of the doctor's office today; I read everything I can.

Julie - Thank you so much for that; that meant a lot to me and made me get a little sniffly!

suzy2110 said...

ANYONE who is trying to get pregnant, whether they're on fertility treatment or not, lives on a 30 day cycle, and to try to deny that is complete bullshit. It actually makes me angry that they said that to you.

I am so sorry for your blogging friend's loss.

Again with the shaking my arse in the direction of life, only this time I am smacking it with one hand whilst flipping the bird with the other. One of these days, it will get the hint.

((hugs))

Kim said...

Suzy - Thank you; I wish I had video commenting so I could see you doing that; surely that would cheer me up quickly!

iamheatherjo said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your blog-friend's husband. Give Brian a big hug from me and take one for yourself, please.

You already know my heart is with you and I hope you never feel the need to revenge fart in my general vicinity. I'll try to keep my stupid statements to a minimum and I can safely say that I will NEVER push on your girl parts while you're in a bad mood.

Promise.

I'm still giggling about Suzy shaking her arse. I always tell life to kiss my giant white dimpled ass, but the ways he says it is so much cuter. :D

Taoist Biker said...

Hee, Suzy's image has me giggling too.

Kim said...

Heather - no, I would never fart on you. At least not on purpose!

Yes, who knew a little ass shaking was all I needed to smile?

morethananelectrician said...

I had a similar eye opening experience when i was experiencing angst over things must less involved that you are dealing with now. It made me feel like I was 2 ft. tall.

But, I have been anxiously waiting for any videos with Suzy and her smacking her posterior...

Whiskeymarie said...

Gah. Here I am, FINALLY getting caught up on your last 4-5 posts as I've been in self-absorbed spring break land, and...shit.

So so sorry, hon. I was hoping for better news.
It's OK to feel bad for yourself- you have enough good in you to be able to wallow a bit and still feel sad for your blogger friend.

Life really sucks sometimes, and sometimes it's really perfect and awesome. I just wish that we could predict and plan for one or the other instead of having them just plopped in our laps.

Kim said...

WM - It's true. All I ask for is some forewarning, but nooooo. Nothing I do is ever easy though, so I'm pretty used to it by now.