Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I'm complicated

This morning I realized I didn't pick up my next baby-making prescription last night like I was supposed to. It's pretty bad when you're trying so hard not to focus on what you can't help focusing on you end up focusing yourself right out of what you're supposed to do. That made a lot more sense in my head.

So I raced out of here and drove quickly to the Deathstar. I figured it wouldn't be too bad at 10:30 on a rainy weekday morning. Silly me. But only one person was ahead of me in line, so not too bad. Until that person left and two women walked right past me and up to the counter with nary a backwards glance. I've had a lot of near fist fights at this store, but this time I could literally feel my blood pressure rising. The person behind the counter either didn't notice or just pretended not to, so when they were getting ready to leave I said loudly enough for her to hear, "I know your time is more important than ours, but maybe next time you should stand in line like everybody else." The people behind me were like, "Yeah!" and the two women in their cheap weaves and nasty sweatsuits mumbled some shit under their breath then one smiled and said "Have a blessed day!" all sarcastic-like. I said, "Thanks; you have a cursed day," and everybody laughed, which was awesome. Normally I wouldn't have said anything then come up with all the stuff I should've said for days. So far my only regret is not saying, "Are you SURE you want to cut in line at the pharmacy??? You could be depriving a crazy person of their meds and that's not ever advisable."

"Have a blessed day" - It seems as though that is a very popular saying around here and I hear it a lot talking to DSS employees and day care staff people on the phone. I'd never heard this until we got back here - is it a southern thing? Is it a new development in phony social niceties? Because I'm not kidding when I say the way most of them say it sounds more like "Fuck the fuck off." Have a blessed day. Stupid asses.

Or maybe I'm just looking at it wrong and it really is a nice sentiment, but my nature prevents me from thinking that way. Along those same lines, sort of, is a new list I've started (shocker). It is called Things I Should Like But Don't. This is what I have so far:

Massages - Sister and some of my friends LIVE for these things. For Sister who is a court reporter, a massage is a rare treat she allows herself when her back is at its breaking point and she feels this has helped her a great deal over the past few years. Our friend Jen is the same way and tries to schedule herself one once every couple of months. She thought she'd be nice one weekend while visiting and treat me to one as well. I think I've written about the experience before, so suffice it to say it felt like we became characters starring in a Stephen King novel and I was way more stressed and knotted up afterwards than I ever was before I'd experienced it. Never again. If I wanted strangers to touch me with my shirt off, I would have become an adult entertainer.

Pedicures - Again, strangers touching me, not a fan. I'm very ticklish and don't like people touching my feet. I also have a great disdain for people who speak in other languages (in this case mostly Korean) to each other in front of me and my friends. You KNOW they're talking shit and laughing because they're doing it RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! I do like the massage chairs you get to sit in though. I'd much rather have a chair massage me than a person - I wonder what that says about me.

The Twilight series - I've tried, I really have. Now I'm stuck in the middle of book two just like I was with the last one. It's not like I don't like the idea of hot, sparkly vampires, it's just that the writing is SO BAD. I'm sorry! I know I'm in the minority here and I doubt Stephanie Meyer will lose any sleep over my criticism. She can't hear any criticism from atop that big pile of money she now lives on. I am planning on watching the dvd though, if only to sit in amazement over the fact that Edward the vampire used to be Cedric Diggory, friend of Harry Potter. Plus, the hotness.

Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches - I know, I must be a communist. I can handle peanut butter with other stuff (like chocolate) but jelly can go straight to hell. Yeesh!

Baths - The other night Brian was taking a shower and the showerhead fell apart, causing a small but significant watery mess all over the bathroom and he now knows what it's like to bathe under a waterfall. The next day I took a bird bath (thank you Shari) or a whore's bath (thank you Heather) in the sink and prayed he'd be able to get something to fix the shower that night. Luckily he did, therefore allowing my bath abstinence to continue. A lot of people love them and say it's completely relaxing and for them I'm sure it is. Me, I have trouble relaxing when I'm clothed and dry, let alone naked and wet (yes, issues). I've even tried reading and still just can't get into it, thinking about sitting around soaking in my own dirt. Even bubble baths leave me feeling like I need to shower off all the sticky shit afterwards. I know. I'm strange.

Self check-outs - In theory these are great and I was very excited for them at first. It is fun scanning and bagging stuff, but now it's mostly just me getting stuck behind the asshole who has a ton of shit and who ends up needing the assistance of one of the store's employees so the whole time-saving idea is nonexistent. I'll use them if I have one item and no one is in front of me but other than that, no thanks.

Beaches - I know, right? Why don't I just move to Alaska (please?) and live in an igloo! I will admit we had a great time last Labor Day on a beach family weekend but that was mainly because it had been so long since I'd been to one, it was somewhat of a novelty again. Plus his dad had rented a badass house for us all and we ate and drank a lot. And I got to take a long bike ride. I still really only enjoyed the actually sand and water part of it in the early morning and at dusk. I think this has to do with growing up in Florida and under my parents' rule being forced to spend many beach days without having any choice in the matter. I've also gotten sunburned badly enough so I briefly considered suicide only to make the pain stop. Lakes and rivers are cool, mountains are the best, but beaches are best left for those who tan easily and/or know how to surf.

Okay, well now I've just confirmed what you've been thinking for awhile anyway, that I'm weird, so I'll stop right here. Believe it or not I am very fond of a lot of things too, one of them being quittin' time. And since it's about that time, I am o-u-t, OUT!

11 comments:

iamheatherjo said...

People say "have a blessed day" around here too. That chick was just showing you that she forgave you for being cranky with her. Hee!

I don't like massages either, but not because of the stranger thing, because I always feel like they are trying to kill me with the Vulcan Death Grip.

Don't mind pedicures once in a great while. I'd prefer English speaking, but it's not a requirement. If I had to mess with people's nasty feet all day I'd wish for a language they couldn't understand to talk smack about them in front of their faces too.

Can't see myself ever being interested in 'Twilight'.

I LOVE PB&J, you ARE a communist!

Baths...not in my tub, can't stretch these stupid legs out. I miss my 'love tub'.

I adore self checkouts because I have to deal with no humans and I can bag shit the way it's supposed to be bagged (control freak).

The beach is my happy place.

Opposites attract and I still love you anyway. ;)

iamheatherjo said...

And when I say that the chick was showing you that she forgave you, I meant she was "giving you the finger...without actually having to give it". ;)

I can never pass up a good 'Friends' reference.

suzy2110 said...

Saying "have a blessed day" is something you would NEVER hear someone say in Ireland unless they were trying to wind you up, and it's so patronising I can't understand how anyone would actually say it, but there are cultural differences, yada yada...

Apart from that, it's only beaches I don't understand you not liking!!

Massages hurt.

Pedicures just make me think of the time my brothers got me one and I was so pregnant I couldn't even see my feet, never mind trim my toenails. The beautician kind of recoiled in horror.

Never read Twilight, or seen the film.

PB&J is also something we don't do in Ireland. PB is totally different here too, much less sweet and thicker. :)

I prefer showers too, but am stuck with the bath at the moment- we have a tiny shower room in our house which my bath loving hubby has stuffed with boxes. It's become the "place we never go any more".

Self check outs scare me, and I am ALWAYS the person who has to get help.

So, to sum up- there's a lot of merit in what you say!!! :D

Shari said...

So are you saying that a bird bath is actually a whore's bath? I tried the Twilight but didn't get very far and gave up. I will give it a try again, caving to peer pressure. As far as self checkouts, the few times that I have used them, I've had to get friggin' help which is bad enough, but I have banned them because it is just the store's way of getting rid of the employees and we are actually doing the work for them. SO, until they give a discount (pay us) for using them, I REFUSE to use them. Home Depot is the most ridiculous of the self checkouts.

Julie said...

I hate that phrase, Have a Blessed Day. Sounds fake and condescending to me. Smacks of religious superiority coming from some people, too.

morethananelectrician said...

I wonder if I could (or would) care about the "issues" from the top of a big pile of money.

I'd like to think that it wouldn't impact me...but it would be a lie.

LL Cool Joe said...

Never heard the expression "Have a blessed day" here in the UK. What we tend to get is "Ya alright?" which pisses me off because I never know if they mean hello, or whether the really want to know if you are alright.

You get it when you go into a shop too "Ya alright?" I feel like saying "I was until you walked up to me, now fuck off and leave me alone".

Fortunately massages and pedicures aren't a part of my world. And I never read novels. I have to say my 14 year old loved "Twilight" and the follow up book too.

I'm not that keen on baths or showers.

I think I have issues too. :D

Kim said...

Heather - Our similarities are such that our opposites only make us more interesting!

Suzy - I think the saying has the same effect here, at least on me.

Shari - I'd never heard of that with the self checkouts; now I really won't use them!

Julie - That's what I think, it's either fake or condescending and I could do without either one.

MTAE - I don't know, but I'd love to find out someday!

Joe - I think I'm going to try "Ya Alright" here and see how well it goes over!

Taoist Biker said...

JIHAD ON THE PBJ INFIDEL!!!!

Oops. Sorry. I meant to say, "I disagree vehemently on your lack of love for the venerated PBJ."

As for the baths, how about if you shower first to get the gunk off, then fill the tub? Also, maybe try it when you're 2/3 liquored up?

Kim said...

TB - I knew I should've kept the pb&j thing a secret, now I've blown my cover.
I have done that for a bath but it seems like a lot of effort just to "relax!" Being clean relaxes me; I'd rather just do it in a timely manner.

crisitunity said...

I have an observation about "have a blessed day" that is unforgivably racist, so I'll keep it to myself. I hear it a lot, but I think that those who say it mean well.

I also do not like baths, because they're just so much trouble and you're always uncomfortable and the water is just right for about 30 seconds between too hot and too cold and I always get my book wet and just FUCK IT.

I don't like beaches either. I spent a lot of time at the beach when I was a kid, and it was never any fun. Also too much trouble.

You are not weird. And you should buy yourself a massaging chair.