Thursday, May 28, 2009

My new reality show

Because I am very up-to-the-minute on whatever is hip and happenin' in the current pop culture, I have a great idea for a new reality show! Here's the title I'm pitching to TLC...Drum roll please...
Brian & Kim Plus Him
What? You're thinking, how stupid is that - who's "Him?"

It's the story of a lower-middle-class married couple who have no kids and therefore project human characteristics and emotions onto their dog. Instead of the tiresome constant bitching people have to deal with with Jon & Kate, you'll get funloving and constant dialogue "Kim" and "Brian" have with "Him." Jon & Kate: separated, awkward and maybe headed for divorce. Brian & Kim: Sheeit, that story is played out to us, man! We covered that ground YEARS ago, long before TLC thought to use it for a ratings ploy! And how interesting is it to watch people take eight kids on expensive but free to them vacations; I mean, that gets old. It would be much more fun to watch and see how we live paycheck to paycheck, dipping into the change jar to pay for gas and figure out how many different ways to make exciting recipes with rice.

Yesterday's episode for instance, was a light-hearted look at how Brian's truck continues with its undying devotion to destroy our will to live! Let's take a look:

Scene: Exterior, front yard (which has way more dirt and leaves than actual grass). Kim & "Him" are there talking about how great the plants are looking after all the rain we've had, when Brian pulls up and it is soon apparent something's wrong. We then pan in for a close-up of the truck and see the front right tire has a large tear in it and it's amazing Brian has made it home without experiencing a blow-out on the interstate. This is the same truck that just had to have two different tires replaced, a new water pump, some kind of hose, and currently has a problematic axle? Yes it is! Tell the cameras, honey - tell them how much money we've dumped into that piece of *BLEEP* in the last month alone! We're up to what, seven or eight hundred now? Yes! That darn truck, haha!

Scene: Close-up of Brian changing the tire; switching the flapping, dangerous-looking torn tire with the questionable spare. As soon as the spare is in place and Brian starts lowering the jack, the spare immediately deflates so that it is almost entirely flat. So much so, Brian can't even get the jack out from under the truck, and with visible steam coming from both ears, tells Kim & Him to stand back while he forcefully drives the truck off of the jack and yells out the window, "I'll see if it makes it up to the fucking store; keep your phone handy!" and away he goes! Kim looks at Him and he looks meaningfully back at her. "Don't worry, baby. Daddy's not mad at us. No, he's not leaving like what that guy Jon is doing; I promise he'll be right back."

And for the happy wrap-up scene, Brian triumphantly pulls back into the driveway with a spare full of air!
Kim: "Do you think it'll make it to work tomorrow?"
Brian: "I don't know; I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning, won't I."
Him: Why are they just standing here and still talking when it's thirty minutes past dinner time? That kibble isn't going to pour itself, assholes.
Aaaand, scene.

Stay tuned for scenes from the next episode where Kim has to make the important decision to pay either the phone or cable bills and then discovers an extra booklet of coupons in the Sunday paper!

I think I've got a major hit on my hands.


Whiskeymarie said...

6 days in and I'm already talking to Bubs as if he can understand me. I find I do this while walking him a LOT, so my neighbors have yet another reason to be afraid of me.

I would so much rather see a reality show with REAL people in REAL situations and no corporate sponsorship. That would actually be interesting.

crisitunity said...

So things are...not going so well, then?

Kristin D said...

I'd watch. Just to see what "he" does.

Kristin D said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Totally lost my shit here, Kim. I think it's a brilliant idea! Market that to a network post haste! People like ourselves who live in the trenches of the real world can actually relate to the content. I mean, I pawed through the Sunday paper searching for my coupons and found nothing. Nothing at all. I don't even want to grocery shop now. I know you know how this feels.

-Much Anonymous love to you

P.S. I'd pay the cable bill...

LL Cool Joe said...

Sounds very much like reality to me.

Sounds a damn sight more interesting than Shipwreck. Not that that's saying much.

Taoist Biker said...

I actually had that happen once - made it to the driveway before I realized my tire was flat, changed it, and noticed the spare was flat. Luckily I live just around the corner from a gas station, so I pulled the spare back off, threw it in Dys's car, and filled it up at the gas station before bringing it back and putting it on.

Still made for about an hour and a half of sheer smashing-shit-cuz-I-feel-like-it rage.

iamheatherjo said...

Will you promise to remind me what night you're on so I don't miss it?

Shari said...

I'd definitely watch! Especially if you actually have a dubbed in voice for Him. Dogs are hilarious. I didn't get any coupons this week either. You are not the only one who gets happy over extra coupons. It's the little things in life....

morethananelectrician said...

Lets not forget that sex sells too.