Thursday, May 21, 2009

Round and round

So I've shared with one of the social workers here about the recent details of my life, Re: fun with fertility. I mean, what better way to get some free therapy, right? Actually we'd been discussing something else and then out of the blue she asked if everything was okay with me, which took me aback. Here I've been so proud of how well I've held my shit together and faked it til I maked it in front of co-workers, not revealing anything about the hormonal roller coaster I've been riding without interruption for six months. UP and down, UP and down, and I'm tired and dizzy and feel like I could spray vom down the front of my shirt at any moment.

She said, "I don't mean to pry, but it seems like you have a lot on your mind lately and I just wanted to make sure everything is okay at home." Which is technically prying, but okay. I've been feeling beat down with this thing and when she said that, I took it as my cue to turn into a snotting, sob-heaving mess right there in her office for a little while. Later, like the next time I'm having trouble sleeping, I'll probably rehash it all in my mind how I shouldn't have gotten so personal and be regretful and embarrassed about coming unglued in front of her and all that but right now I feel sort of relieved.

Well, except for one thing she said. Which was: "Kim, if you want to be a mother, you will be, somehow. We may not know exactly how yet, but you will do this. And you'll be a great one. That's what I can tell you." And gave me a hug, which I repaid by leaving a large snot stain on her shirt.

But I didn't pursue that line of talk, which I took to mean what several other people have suggested as well - adoption. That is something that he and I have discussed only in the abstract and never very enthusiastically. I'm not saying I'm against it; in fact ever since the last IUI, I've been thinking maybe I need to start talking to some of the adoption people who I conveniently work with every day and at least try to find out some answers to all the scary, overwhelming questions I have about even how to start the process.

That's when most people get pregnant, right - when the adoption ball has started rolling? Yeah, another platitude I've heard many, MANY times over the years. It doesn't help. I know people mean well when they say it, but when all your energy is going to keep thoughts like, I WILL NEVER GET PREGNANT, I WILL NEVER BE A MOTHER, I DON'T DESERVE IT ANYWAY at bay, trust me - it doesn't help.

I made Brian promise me after we started this that I would become a mother. He may have just been trying to get me to stop standing in the doorway of the computer room being psycho so he could go back to his poker game, but no; he has been a super trooper through this shit and he does keep his promises to me, so...there's that. But if that does have to mean adoption, that brings a whole new and different slew of issues. Like how important his ancestry is to him. How he laughs fondly over how much his nephew looks exactly like his brother. How that male proclivity to reproduce to keep the family bloodline going seems so fucking embedded in him. Not that I'm just accusing him of those feelings; obviously part of my desire to become a mother is of course to have my husband's child; made up of him and me, old school style. I'd say that's pretty obvious, but I still felt the need to clarify, just in case there were any doubts.

I feel like to even talk about it with him is the first step in depriving him of something really important. And at this point he'd just say I'm jumping the gun, that this process hasn't failed yet so why am I already giving up. I can clearly hear him say it. But this is how my mind works and I know myself too. When I find out next week that this has failed again, (I'm allowed to test Monday, but I'm QUITE SURE I'll start bleeding sometime around then, just like fucking clockwork, just like every other fucking month)I need to know how to proceed and quickly move onto the next plan. Because I'm afraid of where my mind might go otherwise.


Swistle said...

"Next time I'm having trouble sleeping I'll probably rehash it all in my mind..." OH ME TOO with that kind of thing.

Julie said...

Kim - My little Nicky is a doner baby. I mean, he's mine biologically, but not Tim's. Same with this pregnancy. There was a time when I worried about the male heritage thing, etc, too. But Tim's total adoration of Nick has completely erased that concern. And even though physically Nicky looks like me and nothing like Tim, he has already taken on some of Tim's character traits, which just further confirms in my mind that parenting has very little to do with biology. He will have Tim's heritage in all the areas that are important. So, adoption, donor eggs or sperm, foster child, IVF, whatever the road is, I think it will matter very little to you in the long run. That said, I understand fully how it is hard to make the leap to other means of family building, largely because fertility treatment takes so much focus and energy and requires so much sacrifice. It becomes a quest that's hard to give up without feeling like you've failed. However, my sister told me roughly the same thing that your coworker did, and it really helped me. It didn't take the disappointment away at all the failed attempts, but it did help me to re-focus on the big picture. You guys will get there. And although you've given up on this month, I'm going to have to remain optomistic!

Kim said...

Julie - I can't tell you how good it was to read that, seriously. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you could unload your feelings onto somebody, even if it did cause you a little bit of embarrassment. And I love that you can hear your husband telling you not to give up on the process before you've given it a total chance to work. He's right, even if he hasn't said it (yet). Sending positive thoughts your way, my love!

Anonymous said...

"I made Brian promise me after we started this that I would become a mother."

I'm positive Brian felt absolutely NO pressure there! Hee! ;)

You busted on out with The Feelings because you needed to and you can't be on a roller coaster not expect anyone at all to notice. Some folks are irritatingly perceptive. Damn them! And yes, she was slightly prying, but she also soundsl ike she would have dropped it if you hadn't wanted to talk. I like that.

I don't know what's going to happen, honey (and don't you dare make ME promise because I can't handle that kind of pressure) but I, too, am going to remain optimistic.

I'll just do it quietly until you need me, k?

Anonymous said...

I snap when people approach me like makes me stressed out even thinking about it...I jsut stare and they leave.

LL Cool Joe said...

I would like to add more, but I'm packing!

When we went through the adoption process there were many, many couples who couldn't have babies naturally. Here in the UK they don't consider you for adoption until they've completely given up on the idea of having a baby naturally too. They talked about it as "the grieving process". It used to bug the hell out of me.If there was any hint that a couple were still trying to have a baby themselves they were off the programme.

The social workers play God, and everyone was so despeate to have a child they had to play along. The whole process here is sickening. You end up grovelling around to these people and arse kissing because they have what you want, and boy do they know it!

jill said...

just delurking here to tell you that i've been round and round too, 14 years ago. my ivf baby turned 10 on may 1. you don't know what you'll do until you get to that stage. i was only going to do this, then i would only do that, then only this not that. well guess what? never say never. it is so hard and insane when you're in the middle of it.

crazy long post but e-mail if you need to talk to someone who's been there. i know it was a long time ago but i read your blog and it all comes back.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for the bad day. :( You and Brian have a very close relationship, and that's wonderful. I'm sure it will help a lot through this process, I can't imagine the stress you are both under.

Yeah, but there's nothing worse than having an unplanned meltdown in front of a coworker. One of my engineers calls me "Basket Case" for that very reason, the little shit.

Thinking about you.