Damn it, I'm slacking!

What in Melrose Hell is going on around here? I HATE when real life gets in the way of the important things, like celebrity gossip. It is a sad testament to the fact that I've been way too busy with stupid shit like "work" and "family" when things like this pass under my radar:



Noooo! Heather, no! What the hell happened??? I know you went to rehab not too long ago, but I figured you went on the advice of your publicist, since that's what all the cool kids are doing now and your career hasn't exactly been super duper lately. But no, the Betty Ford vacation must have been real, because here we have the mug shot from your DUI this weekend! Oh Tommy, where are you when your exes need you? Too busy hooking up with Pam to secure a spot on her weak-ass show, and now look. Your one true love (and yes she is the One - because I am one with Tommy's SOUL) got all hopped up on meth or pills or coke/speed/wine coolers and now she's got the dreaded disease of Crazy Eyes!

Oh, this is way too upsetting. Since the early 80's when she multi-tasked as Good Girl Cop on TJ Hooker and Bad Sammy Jo on Dynasty, when she was swept off her vagina by Tommy Lee - Heather has always had a special place in my heart and that's because with all the Hollywood debauchery that surrounded her, she always remained pure. This was cemented by her long and loving marriage to Richie Samboa, Good Guy and BFF with one of my favorite pretend boyfriends of all time, Jon Bon Jovi.

(Can you tell the Xanax has kicked in?)

But now this. Damn it. Well, strike another one of my heroes off the arrest-free list.
That damn list gets shorter by the day, I swear.