Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Happy Jew Year

What up, my Jews? Got any big Rosh Hashanah parties planned for today? If not, come on over and I'll serve you some matzo ball soup and some nice bagels and lox. Have you ever noticed Jews say "nice" a lot when they talk about food? One day I'm going to revolt: "No! I want some MEAN bagels and hold the nasty lox!"

Can you tell I'm way more laid back than yesterday? That's either because it's true what they say about God not giving you any more than you can handle, or the fact the doctor switched up my meds - either way I ain't complaining.

There's been no change with my grandmother, but I'm looking at that as no news is good news, and trying not to worry too much. As a Jew, this goes against every fiber of my being, but again, maybe that's just the meds talking.

Since today is The First Day of the Rest of my Diet, I've started a little food journal. Good God - think about it: I have a book journal, a regular journal, an online journal and now a food journal! I have journals coming out of my ass! Which might be a side-effect from this diet, but it's too early to tell. Anyhoosits, it's true what they say about if you write down everything you eat in a day, you will certainly start to think twice before you open that fourth pack of Crasins. Not that I've ever done that you see; that's what they call a "hypothetical." So yeah, I haven't swallered too much in the way of solid food today, but I'm virtually awash in the H2O. Now comes the exercise portion of my evening, and in the famous words of Mr. T in Rocky III: "My prediction? Pain." But, obviously I haven't been making "real smart" choices in relation to dietary choices/getting up off my ass, so we'll try it this way for awhile. If it doesn't work, I can always start being a pig again, any old time I please. God bless America and its abundance of fat.

One more thing and I'll let you go, because I know you're busy with your Rosh Hashanah festivities. You may have noticed for awhile a dude named "Bob" commenting a lot on my blog, basically using the same ideas I have and switching it around so it looks like he's being witty. You know, if I posted a list on the blog, he'd post a list in his comment. If I talked about politics, what do you know - the next day HE blogged about politics! Totally coincidental, I'm sure! And in addition to using the same words and phrases I come up with, you could also recognize Bob's comments by the healthy doses of "LOL'S" and smiley faces.

Yes, well, sadly Bob won't be joining us anymore. See, he was under the impression Grace was going to eventually give in and go out with him, even when she repeatedly (and when I say repeatedly, I mean every time he brought it up to her which was almost every time they talked) told him, nicely I might add, she loved talking to him but wasn't interested in a relationship with him. Which is hard to understand, since Bob is a supercool guy with an exciting high profile job and a ton of really interesting stuff going on in his life. But hey, that's Grace for you - always turning down a fantastic opportunity when she sees one. Well, I guess Boob, I mean Bob - sorry! got his feelings hurt and, let's call it his special brand of logic, decided he and I could no longer be Myspace friends since Grace wouldn't be his girlfriend. As fun of a flashback to 9th grade that was, I'm sad to say that Bob and I got into a little verbal sparring today, which I had to quit because he warned me I would be NO MATCH for him in a battle of the wits, dear! He told me my words were thesaurus laden, but I didn't understand those big words and had to look them up in the dictionary. Which then begged the question: What's another word for thesaurus? Anyway, the last straw was him accusing me of being a drama queen. WHAT!?! Me??? OH HELL NO - I WILL NOT STAND FOR SUCH INSULTS! In fact, someone get me my smelling salts; I think I'm going to faint!!!

Anyway, it's kind of sad - Grace and I lost a good friend today. We have so few of them to begin with, we better be careful before we offend someone else and someone else and so on and so on...until all we'll have left is each other. OH SHIT, OUR MASTER PLAN HAS BEEN REVEALED....

4 comments:

buoy said...

ok, you returned the favor :)
i too, felt un-laughable today, but you cracked my steely exterior.

also, i'm a jew too!!! (heritage-wise, at least. my mother married my father, who was raised - but by no means a practicing - mormon, and the whole religion thing kind of morphed into both of my parents becoming buddhist.) that is hilarious to me, because it answers the age-old question of, "what do you get when you cross a mormon and and a jew?"

moving on...

bye bob!

iamheatherjo said...

I start keeping a food journal and then I slack. It was actually helping and then I fall off. Grr! Best of luck to you!

LENORENEVERMORE said...

sHALOM TO YOU DEAR.... HOPE EVERYTHING IS WELL W YOU & HUBBY...

Whiskeymarie said...

I'm not Jewish, but I do say "schmutz" a lot, so I think I'm at least marginally qualified to say "Happy Jew year to you, my dear!"

I can't keep a food journal- it would be too scary and I'd probably just fudge the numbers anyways...
;)