Sunday, September 28, 2008

Eye'll be seeing you


I have an eye doctor appointment next week.

It's been several years since my last one, though that's not what's motivating me to go, as I hate the eye doctor - the dude (or lady) all up in my grill (and I say a little prayer each time he or she has had the forethought to breath-fresh first), looking through that goofy contraption and answering "Which one is more clear, this one...or this one? About the same? This one...or THIS one?" six or seven or fifty times, (I can NEVER see a difference) and worst of all that puff of air they shoot into your eyehole - what the buttfuck is that all about? In all the optometric advancements they've made just in my lifetime, they can't figure out a better way to test for Glaucoma than that? I think they must just enjoy it. Except they don't enjoy doing it to me, because I'm so freaked out anticipating it, most of the time I jerk backwards too soon and we have to repeat the procedure several times before they can get accurate results. I always, ALWAYS leave my appointment with teary eyes and a massive headache.

But, because I'm as hard on my glasses as I am on my husband, the frames are bent, the lenses are scratched, and they're just all around beat to hell. The above picture was taken a few months ago and even back then if you look closely you can see they are slightly warped. (Just like me, har har!) They're much worse now. This is sad, because I have amassed quite a collection of eyeglass cases and you'd guess (correctly) it's fairly easy to put the glasses in the case. Well, it's also easy to put a cd back in its case too, but I don't do that either. I also have a bad habit of falling asleep while reading and waking up with my glasses askew sometimes still on my face, sometimes under the dog sleeping next to me.

And while I can away with going without them at work (though right now I'm sitting VERY close to my computer), driving and especially driving at night, is unadvisable without them. In fact, I had one smartass eye doctor tell me one time if I want to live and also not kill anyone else, I should NEVER drive without my glasses on. She said it all concerned sounding and shit. Whatever, lady. You made your point.

I can tell you right now though, glasses are my only option. I can't afford Lasik, and to be honest - even if I could, I'm not sure I'd have the balls to go through with it. I have several good friends and an aunt who have, and they've all been very happy with the results. And now that it's been around a few years, I'm sure the success rate is right up there around 99.something %. Me, being the neurotic Jew I am, would worry I'd be the .00001% who would be blinded for life by some freak laser incident gone awry.

And contacts? Don't even mention that to me. I tried contacts once, around the time I turned 21 and beer was tops on my list of things to do. First of all, the thought of sticking something in my eye, including a tiny piece of plastic and also my finger, makes me nauseous. Add drinking to that equation and trying to take that tiny something OUT of your eye when your motor skills are nonexistent? Let's just say the whole contacts experiment was a spectacular failure.

There is good news in all this though. Somehow, somewhere along the way, whether it was Tina Fey, Lisa Loeb, "Geek Chic" or a combination of all of the above, glasses somehow became hip. There are even silly posers who buy fake ones to look cool and/or smart and I hate them. Why? Because they don't have to get PUFFED in the eye in order to obtain their little hipster accessory. But finally. Finally there is something about me that is considered cool. I never would've guessed it would be my near-blindness, but beggars can't be choosers.

Well, I'll see ya around...and when I do, it'll be in crisp sharp detail.


Annie said...

Good luck - hope all goes well! Everyone I know who's had the surgery is thrilled with the results. And psssst...your nose is fabulous, so there.

Annie said...

Doh! That's what I get for not reading all the way through! You're not getting the surgery, just new lenses. Well, then I can tell you this - I won't let my husband get the surgery, because his glasses look so cool (and yours do, too, along with your nose!)

Psuedokim said...

Yes, I actually LIKE picking out new glasses - I am a true nerd.

Jayne said...

Yes I hate the air puff thing too. I have middle age onset deteriorating eyesight (not to mention hearing...but that's another story). My husband could probably have the eye surgery but, like you, thinks he'd be in the 0.0001%. And I agree. Eyesight is just too precious to take that risk.
I do like your glasses and - thanks - you've reminded me that we're both *way* overdue for our check-ups here. I may (or may not) phone first thing tomorrow ... because, of course, there is that air puff thing that I'd prefer to avoid! :)

Heather said...

I like your glasses and your nose!

I wear contacts now and again. I have no problems taking them out on the evenings I might have been...overserved. ;) But I know a LOT of folks who don't like the whole idea of them.

I'm kinda queasy about the surgery. It gives me the serious willies even though I know a few people that had great results.