Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Come Together


I think the biggest thing I've learned on this journey to fertilization is how important timing really is in the great scheme of things. Certain things have to happen at certain, sometimes very precise times in order to get the outcome you want; in this case a baby. I've also learned my time is not nearly as important as the almighty doctor office time, friggin' bastardmotherfuckers. I had a little repeat of Sunday morning today by showing up at 8:00 on the dot for an ultrasound and bloodwork only to have to wait six hours to hear the results. Because why SHOULD they call me back before heading off to lunch, right? (Insert string of more colorful expletives here.)

But! The ultrasound showed what we wanted to see: the follies (Lolly and Ollie) have grown to the right size - rock ON, egg holders!! There were also other things they pointed out re: my uterus that I will spare you the details from; I'll just say everything looked the way it was supposed to look. They also took blood to determine if I was ovulating or not and that was the biggie that would determine if the Big Day would be Thursday or Friday. In the meantime I came back into work and found out the rest of my work week is going to be fairly frenzied. Of course. I spent the majority of the morning wondering what I'll need to do when, all while waiting for another FUCKING phone call.

But this time I only had to stalk Monique the nurse twice this time before she called me back with our instructions. According to the blood test, I'm not ovulating on my own (big surprise; this is what I think has caused our problems all along anyway - TIMING!), but no biggie; that is why we have the hSG medicine chilling in the fridge for. Tonight at 12:30 a.m., Brian will shoot me up one last time. This will then cause the peak time for the IUI to happen 11:30 Thursday morning. I hung up with Nusre Monique satisfied I finally have a date and time to look forward to. I was sitting there, absorbing the moment when my phone rang again.

It was Monique, calling me back to urgently tell me we need to have sex tonight. Normally, this would not cause me concern.

You know how I keep annoyingly bringing up timing? At the risk of sounding like my mother and repeating myself like a retard, here again is yet another example. She explained that on Thursday they'd like the sperm to be "fresh," and even though they want two days of build-up, more than that would be considered, well...old. And I thoroughly agree; I don't want some stale-ass sperm up in my nice new eggs, oh hells no. I don't keep milk or library books past the expiration date; I certainly don't want past-due seed.

There is a small problem however, in that tonight we actually have plans. Social plans that involve other people. In fact, the schedule, or timing, if you will, is so tight, I have to sneak out of work a half hour early, run home (well, driving would be faster, har har), get presentable and turn right around so we can meet our friends back downtown at 6:00 for dinner. After that we're seeing a Beatles tribute band in concert, something I couldn't give more of a shit less about now, but that Delorme had talked me into buying tickets for a month ago. We rarely if ever go out during the week, but of course, of course we are tonight.

I quickly came up with an efficient solution. I called Brian and directed him to snap one out as soon as he gets home from work; the earlier, the better. I think it caught him a little by surprise, but after a week or so of being allowed no release shall we say, he didn't put up much of an argument. Or actually any argument at all. Which makes me think. The more I go through all this stuff, the more I'm certain God has to be male. In order for me to have a baby, I've been poked, prodded, injected, given numerous vials of my blood, peed in numerous cups, taken all kinds of weird drugs, gotten so used to stripping from the waist down I don't even care who's in the fucking room anymore and all this is BEFORE going through the wonderous joys of pregnancy and childbirth. Him? He's had to jerk off a couple of times. Which, not to be rude, but that is not really much of a departure from his regularly scheduled program, if you know what I mean and I think you do. I'm not really complaining, but hell's bells it must be good to be a man!

To recap:
This afternoon/Tonight - Brian whacks off, we go hear Beatles music, we get home by 12:30 to inject me with ovulation drugs.
Tomorrow - I decide whether I will tell them at work I need Thursday off or not and if so, come up with some vague, yet plausible reason why I need to miss a very busy day.
Thursday morning - We leave home between 8:00 and 8:30 in order to get to the Charleston office by 10:30 at which time he spanks it yet again. An hour later Lolly and Ollie Follie finally meet Mr. Spunky and God help us all, our baby is made.
The next two weeks - I drive everyone insane until I'm able to take a pregnancy test.



Anonymous said...

ohjesusgod... must. not. look. at. clock. and. know. when. Brian. is. doing. THAT.

Cuz, I'm sorry, but guys just aren't sexy when they're wackadoodling.

Kim said...

Ah, but you've never seen HIM do it!
I kid.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Can you "do-it" between his "sessions" for insurance. Sorry...didn't mean to get too technical there!

Anonymous said...

As I was reading that the nurse told you to have sex adn that you had plans my immediate thought was "Well, he can do that without YOU". Hahaha!!

No, it just doesn't seem fair at all.

Swistle said...

I know, it is crazy-unfair!

This is so exciting! I can't WAIT! I mean, I CAN wait, and I WILL wait, but I am VERY EXCITED AND HOPEFUL.

Taoist Biker said...

He's been cut off for a week? Hell, if it were me I'm pretty sure I could take care of that one on the drive home from work and still have enough left in the tank for an insurance bonin' after the show.

If the likelihood of an insurance bonin' is out of the question, then maybe another one when I got home from work. And just before we left for the show. And when we got back. Hey, you want it fresh, right? Gotta make sure we completely flush out the ol' pipes...


Seriously, that all sounds like good news! Now I'm putting in my earplugs for the next two weeks. La la la la la... ;)

Kim said...

Well, not to get too graphic (a little too late for that, right?) I checked with him when I got home and everything came out okay! And now everyone has me wondering - I don't even know when the next time I'm allowed to get laid is. All this medical stuff is so confusing.

Julie said...

Good luck! I wish you all the best. I, too have two follies, just waiting for their Thursday afternoon meeting with destiny. I hope it goes perfectly for you!

Kim said...

Julie! Soooo...both of us are having the same thing done tomorrow?? Wow - good luck to you too; I have so many emotions right now, I can't really explain how I'm feeling, but hopeful is definitely one of them!

Shari said...

Kim, you are sooo funny. Just wait, if all goes as planned, for almost the next 10 months, the phrase, "Uh, helloooo, I'm growing a HUMAN, here!." will come in very handy. Brian will be doing a lot more than spanking his monkey.

Kim said...

Shari - And I plan to use that. A lot.

Anonymous said...

You know I really, really am trying hard not to laugh at this whole serious event but you have such an excellent outlook, and your writing is so hilarious I just can't help it!

Kim said...

Shmode - No, laugh! That's how I get through all serious situations, which might be bad, but OH FUCKING WELL!!!