My first thought upon waking this morning: "What in the fuckity FUCK am I about to do???"
I'd like to say things have improved from there, but I don't like to lie. To give you a little glimpse into the psychosis, I'm pretty much veering back and forth between, "What if it doesn't work? to What if it DOES??" The best way I can describe it is I feel like I always do when I'm about to get on a plane - only without Xanax this time. And after checking the weather report and seeing there will be storms and turbulence the entire flight.
I wish I knew how to meditate - don't you just sit there Indian-style and go, "Om?" with your eyes shut? Because I just tried that and it didn't work and my foot fell asleep.
The times when you need drugs the most? Are always the times you can't have any. The irony does not escape me.
I put my lunch together this morning; soup, crackers, yogurt. As far as I can figure it's still sitting on the kitchen counter and I'm now eating a slice of pizza. Which, had I thought about it, I should've gotten sushi for lunch, because duh. That's one of the no-no's just in case I do happen to catch pregnant tomorrow. Not that I really want sushi, but I know once I can't have it, I'll want the hell out of it. I know me. I know me very well. By the way, does anyone know if you're allowed to eat tuna fish? I can never remember that and I'm avoiding looking anything up online that is pregnancy-related. Don't want to jinx anything.
Psst, anybody got a sedative? Ha, kidding! I wouldn't take one if you flipped it into my mouth with a Quaalude chaser and a nice cold crispy caffeinated Coke to wash it all down with! And if you believe that one, I have a stimulus package I'd like to sell you.
I figured writing would help. I figured wrong.
Uh...what else? Oh yeah. The Beatles thing was cool last night. It would've been a lot cooler had they played Come Together, Helter Skelter, Help, and Lucy in the Sky. I told HeatherI knew better than to hope for Dear Prudence, Blackbird and Norwegian Wood; I'm not stupid. But those others I thought would be pretty standard ops for a Beatles-esque experience. But they didn't consult me. A bonus was the first part of the show they were backed by the South Carolina Philharmonic Orchestra - way cool. A bonus-opposite was our seats were at the very front of the balcony section and while making our way to them I got the worst case of vertigo/acrophobia (fear of heights - I just looked it up) and then claustrophobia I think I've ever had. It only lasted a few minutes, but damn; have you ever had to keep your shit together for a short period of time in public but you knew any minute there was potential to Make a Scene? I was so on the verge. I'm really happy I didn't. I remembered Laura'sthoughtful pot post yesterday and at that moment was EXTREMELY thankful I wasn't high like I totally would've been back in the day. That would've been bad news bears.
It's been a long time since I've partaken in the weed, but I bet starting tomorrow I'll want some. Weed, sushi, coffee, tunafish...And by the way - who in their right mind tries to get pregnant this close to St. Patrick's Day, dumbass!? I drink like twice a year and this holiday is one of the days. Idiot. Well, we only have plans so far to go to a pre-St.-Pat's party this weekend, so I'll just buy some Sprite and green food coloring and be done with it. And oh yeah, ha-ha, if Brian thinks he's getting drunk on St. Patrick's Day, he can kiss my blarney stone. It's all about the spousal support, right?
Did you know Daylight Savings Time starts back this coming weekend? Who's the d-bag who decided to make it so early this year? After having it start so late in the Fall. I know there's like one or two states that don't observe it - someday I will move there. It's horseshit.
My mom asked me if I wanted her to drive up here for the procedure tomorrow. Ha! But I guess to you, the untrained ear, that sounds like a very nice offer, right? Well, just so's you don't think I'm a heartless bitch, let me tell you the rest of the story (damn, Paul Harvey died the other day, sad) before you judge me. I thanked her but told her it's not necessary right now (leaving out of course the fact Brian's mom is coming with us) but that hopefully it'll work and she can come up to go to an appointment with me later down the road when there will be more exciting things happening than a five-minute proceedure and we won't even know anything for two weeks. She then started to drunk-cry (it was an hour past vodka:thirty - I should've known better than to call that late) (late being 7:30) and tell me she feels guilty. Because all this? The reason I haven't had a baby yet? Is her fault. Yes. Do you not know how a martyr's mind works? Everything bad is because of them/happens to them/whatever to them, but it's ALWAYS about them. Nevermind that she actually DID have two kids without the benefit of fertility technology back then. No. That doesn't matter. She had "problem" pregnancies (I wanted to suggest that perhaps cigarettes and booze probably weren't the best choices, but of course I didn't) and because of her problems, my life has been incomplete.
'Ludes? Anybody? No? Okay.
All right. Well, I guess I should probably try and do something productive, even if that just means I manage to appear normal for the remainder of the time I have to be at work.
If you get a chance tomorrow morning around 11:30, say a little prayer for me. I heard that on the radio a little while ago and can't stop singing it so wanted to pass it along to you. But seriously. Thanks for sticking around through all this weirdness; it really means a lot.
See you on the flipside.