Wednesday, March 4, 2009


My first thought upon waking this morning: "What in the fuckity FUCK am I about to do???"

I'd like to say things have improved from there, but I don't like to lie. To give you a little glimpse into the psychosis, I'm pretty much veering back and forth between, "What if it doesn't work? to What if it DOES??" The best way I can describe it is I feel like I always do when I'm about to get on a plane - only without Xanax this time. And after checking the weather report and seeing there will be storms and turbulence the entire flight.

I wish I knew how to meditate - don't you just sit there Indian-style and go, "Om?" with your eyes shut? Because I just tried that and it didn't work and my foot fell asleep.

The times when you need drugs the most? Are always the times you can't have any. The irony does not escape me.

I put my lunch together this morning; soup, crackers, yogurt. As far as I can figure it's still sitting on the kitchen counter and I'm now eating a slice of pizza. Which, had I thought about it, I should've gotten sushi for lunch, because duh. That's one of the no-no's just in case I do happen to catch pregnant tomorrow. Not that I really want sushi, but I know once I can't have it, I'll want the hell out of it. I know me. I know me very well. By the way, does anyone know if you're allowed to eat tuna fish? I can never remember that and I'm avoiding looking anything up online that is pregnancy-related. Don't want to jinx anything.

Psst, anybody got a sedative? Ha, kidding! I wouldn't take one if you flipped it into my mouth with a Quaalude chaser and a nice cold crispy caffeinated Coke to wash it all down with! And if you believe that one, I have a stimulus package I'd like to sell you.

I figured writing would help. I figured wrong.

Uh...what else? Oh yeah. The Beatles thing was cool last night. It would've been a lot cooler had they played Come Together, Helter Skelter, Help, and Lucy in the Sky. I told HeatherI knew better than to hope for Dear Prudence, Blackbird and Norwegian Wood; I'm not stupid. But those others I thought would be pretty standard ops for a Beatles-esque experience. But they didn't consult me. A bonus was the first part of the show they were backed by the South Carolina Philharmonic Orchestra - way cool. A bonus-opposite was our seats were at the very front of the balcony section and while making our way to them I got the worst case of vertigo/acrophobia (fear of heights - I just looked it up) and then claustrophobia I think I've ever had. It only lasted a few minutes, but damn; have you ever had to keep your shit together for a short period of time in public but you knew any minute there was potential to Make a Scene? I was so on the verge. I'm really happy I didn't. I remembered Laura'sthoughtful pot post yesterday and at that moment was EXTREMELY thankful I wasn't high like I totally would've been back in the day. That would've been bad news bears.

It's been a long time since I've partaken in the weed, but I bet starting tomorrow I'll want some. Weed, sushi, coffee, tunafish...And by the way - who in their right mind tries to get pregnant this close to St. Patrick's Day, dumbass!? I drink like twice a year and this holiday is one of the days. Idiot. Well, we only have plans so far to go to a pre-St.-Pat's party this weekend, so I'll just buy some Sprite and green food coloring and be done with it. And oh yeah, ha-ha, if Brian thinks he's getting drunk on St. Patrick's Day, he can kiss my blarney stone. It's all about the spousal support, right?

Did you know Daylight Savings Time starts back this coming weekend? Who's the d-bag who decided to make it so early this year? After having it start so late in the Fall. I know there's like one or two states that don't observe it - someday I will move there. It's horseshit.

My mom asked me if I wanted her to drive up here for the procedure tomorrow. Ha! But I guess to you, the untrained ear, that sounds like a very nice offer, right? Well, just so's you don't think I'm a heartless bitch, let me tell you the rest of the story (damn, Paul Harvey died the other day, sad) before you judge me. I thanked her but told her it's not necessary right now (leaving out of course the fact Brian's mom is coming with us) but that hopefully it'll work and she can come up to go to an appointment with me later down the road when there will be more exciting things happening than a five-minute proceedure and we won't even know anything for two weeks. She then started to drunk-cry (it was an hour past vodka:thirty - I should've known better than to call that late) (late being 7:30) and tell me she feels guilty. Because all this? The reason I haven't had a baby yet? Is her fault. Yes. Do you not know how a martyr's mind works? Everything bad is because of them/happens to them/whatever to them, but it's ALWAYS about them. Nevermind that she actually DID have two kids without the benefit of fertility technology back then. No. That doesn't matter. She had "problem" pregnancies (I wanted to suggest that perhaps cigarettes and booze probably weren't the best choices, but of course I didn't) and because of her problems, my life has been incomplete.

'Ludes? Anybody? No? Okay.

All right. Well, I guess I should probably try and do something productive, even if that just means I manage to appear normal for the remainder of the time I have to be at work.

If you get a chance tomorrow morning around 11:30, say a little prayer for me. I heard that on the radio a little while ago and can't stop singing it so wanted to pass it along to you. But seriously. Thanks for sticking around through all this weirdness; it really means a lot.

See you on the flipside.


Julie said...

Kim - I, too, was having those nagging thoughts as I drank my morning coffee, (which will also be forbidden tomorrow) that maybe I shouldn't be doing this - maybe we should count our blessings to have one, after all the hoops we had to jump through to conceive him, and what if this makes everything crazy, etc., etc., etc. Here's the thing - you just do it and deal with the consequences later! It's all or nothing at this point. Your mom sounds like a trip. I'm assuming she doesn't read your blog? :)

Kim said...

Julie - May the force be with you too tomorrow. And I am really excited and happy; I think I'm also in shock that it's finally here. This is how I react to anything stressful, good or bad! (Aren't you jealous of my husband who gets to see this in person tonight?)
No, Momma does not read blog. Momma does not know what a blog is, unless they've mentioned them on CSI, Law and Order or Wheel of Fortune.

Heather said...

Well, your mom certainly knows how to 'play the role' as my girls say. But I agree. It isn't really something I would have needed my Mom there with me for as long as my partner was there. I don't think she would have been much interested either until, like, the first ultrasound or something.

Breathe! Don't forget to breathe!

No caffeine while knocked up? My friend Laine's baby doc said she could have ONE cup a day and that was it. I only remember he said this because a woman we worked with started a huge argument in our office kitchen with Laine while she was pregnant and making herself a cup of coffee.

The crazy woman also told Laine to get rid of her dogs (one is a police K9) before the baby was born because they might eat her baby.

Her son is almost one year old. Happy. Healthy. And if you set one foot near him the dogs will eat YOU. Sheesh!

Kim said...

Heather - It seems the caffene debate is a Hot Button Topic in the preg world. I'm pretty sure my sister allowed herself one cup and/or one Diet Coke a day too and my niece is reading at less than two years old! So yeah, I doubt I'll stop that completely.
I'm looking forward to all of the unsolicited advice I get. (That was sarcasm in case your cold prevented you from noticing)

Swistle said...

Dang, now I've got it going through MY head. "Say a little PRA-yer for ME-eeeee!" I'll think of you tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

We've been TTC the last few months, and every 2WW I go off caffine and everything, just to be safe.


Good Luck and BABY DUST!

crisitunity said...

Poor Kim! I can smell your desperation three states away. Of course, this hilarious, crazed post didn't hurt in giving me a picture of your mental state.

Can I just say that humans have been having babies for, like, a LOT of years now, and it's only in the last 35 that women haven't been doing whatever the hell they want during pregnancy? Now it's avoid this, avoid that. Picky, picky, picky. I vote on listening to no one's opinions but your own and your doctor's, and take your doctor's with a grain of salt.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow at 11:30. I really will. And I won $7 in the lottery yesterday...maybe some of my AMAZING luck will rub off on you!

Kim said...

Swistle - I'll be singing it for days. Thank you for all your thoughts!

Jadesymb - I predict should I actually quit caffene completely, my body will go into shock from lack of bad things. I'm surprised it hasn't already!

Kim said...

Cris - I'm sorry you can smell me; I did forget to wear deoderant this morning and I'm totally serious. That is the smell of FEAR.
I know; I get amused at how crazy people get with the pregnancy health issues. I'll worry about that bridge when I jump off of it.

Anonymous said...

1. You crack my shit up.

2. Paul Harvey died?!? Oh man.

3. "pot post" ~snort~

4. Arizona does not participate in all the time changing nonsense. I have TWO spare bedrooms... I'm just sayin'.

5. Saying prayers and crossing fingers and chanting ohm in hopes of folly fortitude!!!

Kim said...

Snerk - I had the feeling AZ was one of the lucky states; why am I thinking Heather in IN doesn't have to deal with the foolishness either? Or is it IL? One of those middle places. I HATE IT! It seems like just when I get used to it one way, it's time to change and yes that does mean it takes me six months to get used to something. On average.

Anonymous said...

Heather's state is THE silliest.

The part I live in DOES recognize Daylight Saving's.

Other parts do not.

Add to that the, what, three (?)different time zones within the same state...


Shari said...

Ok, ever notice how meditation and medication are only different by one letter? Anyway, off subject, meditation is more about breathing. So just breathe in and breathe out. Eyes closed. That's it. You don't have to sit any certain way, just comfortable. Go to your happy place and breathe. Next, you can still have a veggie sushi, just no fish. It will do in a pinch if you are having a craving. Also, a little caffeine is okay. I'm not quite sure about the tuna, but I just heard that about 75% of sodas have mercury in them now from the high-fructose corn syrup????? Frig. Good rule out thumb, just no liquor or ciggies. I'll be thinking zygote thoughts starting at 11:30 tomorrow.

Shari said...

OMG, I just read the part about the dogs eating the baby. We never heard the end of it about Java either. What are you going to do about Java? What are you going to do about Java? Uh, nothing. He ended up being the sweetest little baby nanny ever. Not kidding.

Anonymous said...

There are som many "hot topics" in the preg. world Hold on to your horses...this is in for a bumpy ride.

Kristin D said...

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow at 11:30. (and not Brian at 10-something. Ewwww) I have found all the little "hot topics" for mommies and mommies to be is always fun. Caffeine, cold cuts, tuna, sushi, alcohol, ciggies, heroin. Really whatever you decide to cut out is whatever you need to cut out. Screw everyone and their unsolicited advice. Hey, want some advice? hehe at least I asked!

Kim said...

Heather - What the hell! I still want to move there though.

Shari - If you knew our sweet innocent PART CHOW doggie, you'd know we've already received comments from people. We ignore. I'm a lot calmer this morning than I was yesterday; I kind of knew I would be.

MTAE - That was a good way to describe how I was feeling yesterday. Buckle up!

Siter - Thank you for thinking of me!

Taoist said...

I was out of the office yesterday. It's 11:11 by my clock. Is it okay if I do my praying a little early? Yeah? Cool.

I'm still snickering over "catch pregnant." That's some funny shit. And to echo somewhat what Crisitunity said, this whole post is so overflowing with the jitters that I feel a little buzzy myself.

Hope you got your CD this week! If not, it'll probably arrive today. :)

Anonymous said...

Should we be concerned that you haven't posted an update yet? :-/

Kim said...

TB - I wanted to write you a thank-you note; I got it yesterday! This doesn't count as the thank-you note.

Snerk - No; I just got back to the computer!
About to post now.