Wednesday, April 1, 2009

April Foolish

I've been sitting here trying to think up some funny April Fool's joke, but I'm having problems thinking of anything that doesn't involve a bodily function (as is my way), and nothing is even sounding funny to me, so screw it. I feel all jinxy right now anyway, so saying something like "I just pooped my pants!" even if it's followed by a sheepish "Naw, April Fool!" I'd be scared the rest of the day of pooping in my pants.

My dad LOVED this holiday and in particular having me be the sole recipient of his jokes. Every year it was something: rigging my bathroom with boobytraps: a cup of water falling on my head when I opened the door, Saran wrap on the toilet seat, no water coming out of the faucet and "The Fool Was Here" written in soap all over the mirror. That was funny. Once he hid my car; parked it around the back of the house so that when I walked out to go to school, I had a heart attack, while he watched from the front window laughing his ass off. Even when I was on vacation away from home once he packed a bunch of plastic spiders in my suitcase and coordinated it with my boyfriend at the time to have it scare me on April 1st. I'll admit it - I miss that a lot. All those things were good, but one year he lost his mind and went to the extreme.

I was eleven years old and completely obsessed with The Dukes of Hazzard. My sister and cousins will verify this if you have any doubts. Posters - not only all over my bedroom, but also all over my bunk bed area in our motorhome. Teen magazine collages abounded. Every Friday night at 8:00 without fail, was the highlight of my week and I was not to be interrupted by anyone (not much has changed there, but at least now there are dvr's). I was all about Bo in particular, but loved them all; that show was my everything. We still had antenna then and only got reception on the three main networks, which was jolly good by me, as long as CBS was one of them. One dark sad night a train went by just as the show was starting, we lost reception and couldn't get it back for hours. Unexplained to this day and also obviously very scarring to me, since I remember it.

We lived in Wildwood, Florida at the time and my dad was the golf pro at the local country club. Someone passed the information along that some relatives of Tom Wopat, the guy who played Luke Duke, were members of our club and lived nearby. It was rumored that Tom himself also had some property and a house there and I don't remember how but we did end up confirming that was true. Strangely a few years later when we lived thirty miles west in Inverness, we met the guy who played Roscoe P. Coaltraine (and the dog who played his hound dog Flash who was also his dog in real life but who was a girl dog) who had a house THERE. I don't know what it was about small little bumpkin Florida towns and the cast of that show, but apparently they loved the area for whatever reason.

Did you know John Travolta has a house in Ocala, right there as well? That has absolutely nothing to do with this story, but it just surprises me so many of my celebrity boyfriends lived so damn close by yet we never met and had the romantic times I dreamed about. Sucks.

Anyway. A few days before April Fool's, Dad started really bringing up the whole Luke Duke thing, saying we'd have to ride around and see if we could find his house (stalkers!) or maybe see if he liked golf and give him a free round, etc. Assuring that I was in a highly agitated state, right up until the day I got home from school and my mom told me my dad had a surprise for me. Hmm? Yes. She told me she wasn't sure, but she thought my dad might have found Luke and was maybe bringing him to our house?

Wait, WHAT?

She said, "Now don't get too excited, Daddy's just going to try." Too excited? Oh, but it was already well past that point. I did what I always do in those situations and went straight to the toilet. Then after that I went directly to my room and shut and locked the door. I had to get a grip on all this somehow, because I was straight losing my shit. (Literally)

Then I heard it. Remember the Dukes' car, the General Lee? Of course you do. Remember how the car horn played "Dixie?" That was the sound I was currently hearing and it was coming from my very own driveway. I don't think I actually shit in my pants, but I came pretty damn close. I know I made some high pitched squealing sounds. Then I dove into my closet and slammed the door shut, refusing to come out. I'd like to think I've matured and could handle something like that better nowadays, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

I don't remember how, but they finally got me to come out. My dad was pretty much crying he was laughing so hard. He led me outside to the driveway, where the only car there was his little red Fiat. Wha? He leaned in the window and beeped the horn. And it played "Dixie" again. He spent $80 (and remember this is 1979 or thereabouts; that was a good amount of money back then, at least for our family) to get this horn and have someone hook it up to his car, all for a joke on me. The horn played something like a hundred different songs, but he bought it for one song. You would have thought I'd be mad at him for not delivering Luke Duke to me, but actually all I felt was relief. As much as I loved those Duke boys, I guess that love had to be from afar for me to be able to deal with it.

My dad was so awesome. He got the biggest kick out of making me laugh. I miss the hell out of him.

I didn't mean to make so many references about pooping in pants. I'll try to avoid that going forward.

7 comments:

Taoist Biker said...

That is an awesome joke...setup, tailored perfectly to the victim, accomplices, and a final punchline in which the victim does him/herself in. Perfection!

I handed in my resignation on the first April Fool's Day I was on this job. I scared my boss to death. He only read the first line or two and didn't get to the bottom where I said that the main reason I was leaving is because [this school's] basketball team is wholly inadequate, and [nearby blood-and-guts rival school] was clearly superior, and therefore I was going to hitch myself to the real rising star.

He got a good kick out of it...after he got over freaking that I was quitting. :D

Kim said...

I actually thought about doing the same thing today (especially since today was a big pain in the ass) but my boss has almost zero sense of humor and it would probably give her a heart attack and then I'd get written up or something.

iamheatherjo said...

Aww! Your Dad was awesome and would have gotten along with mine famously. We really would have had to keep them separated.

The last April Fool's joke I played I got my Mom by putting tape on the hand sprayer nozzle thingy on the sink so that when she turned the water on it sprayed her. :D

Then we set up an elaborate joke one year to get my work friend Carrie to think that another work friend was pregnant. My friend Kim even got involved in it and didn't even work there.

I haven't done anything so devious and delicious in a long time. Makes me feel like I should remedy this situation.

LL Cool Joe said...

That's a great story. I don't think my parents have a sense of humour. Or if they do they keep it well hidden.

No today was just another day, here.

Geez, when did I become such a bore?

Still at least I didn't crap in my pants I suppose.

Shari said...

Coincidentally, Leila brought up the subject of poop at dinner. As in there are 3 kinds of poop.
1) Poop, the obvious.
2) Poop, like poop deck.
3) Poop, like I'm pooped. And then she proceeded to giggle wildly and drop a carrot on the floor.

We didn't do anything for April Fool's. Whatever.

Uhhh, $80 is a lot NOW.

suzy2110 said...

Fantastic!!! I would have fallen for it too. I thought Luke Duke was very hot stuff when I was a kid too! :D

crisitunity said...

I would have KILLED him. To DEATH. (I have a sense of humor about most things, but practical jokes don't do it for me.)