Thursday, April 30, 2009

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I have gas

Yesterday I joked on Twitter that I was scared of getting swine flu but then remembered I'm Jewish. (Thanks Annette for joke inspiration) Then I wake up this morning to the disturbing news there are now seventeen confirmed cases of it not only here in S.C., but in Newberry County which is the next county over from WHERE I SIT RIGHT HERE. Not that I'm panicking; don't be ridiculous. I'm Jewish, remember? But seriously, Sundry mentioned Stephen King's The Stand, which is one of those I re-visit every few years or so; you know - the story where the flu wipes out all of civilization? Not recommended for early summer reading right now. I first read that as an impressionable teenager and I can't understand why I didn't become a paranoid germaphobe recluse. Oh, wait.

I've oft joked about Brian's propensity toward run-for-the-hills survival procedures. The ever-growing gun collection (now with more ammo!), the various survival guides. The honing of the hunting skills. I could argue when we moved back here to be close to his family again that was the first step in our preparations for the apocalypse, except we moved from a large city to a semi-large city, which is also the Capital of a state, and our neighborhood now is spitting distance from the entrance gates to a major military base. Oops. But! If you think he hasn't scoped out some property in the country very close to here that has definite bunker-type potential, you are so wrong. And don't worry - the compound is big enough for us and about thirty of our closest friends and I'm looking forward to the start of my very own compound. It's always been a dream of mine. Except no Mormons allowed - this isn't some Big Love shit up in this piece. Unless Bill Paxton is involved; then I'd be more than happy to share.

So, let's see - conspiracy theorists, whatcha think. 2012 - was that Mayan calendar on the money? Biblically, things are starting to freak me out and I don't even know the Bible that well. But that Revelations part I read in seventh grade kind of stuck with me over the years. Politically, haha! Oy, don't get me started. Well, I think I have it. Here's how you know when you need to make suitable preparations for the end of the world: the day I announce I'm pregnant. Should you get that announcement here, do not panic. Just let me know if you want to be part of my new compound and you'll get in on the ground floor. And by ground floor, I mean literally it'll be made out of dirt. There are a couple of my good friends who, especially on nights when we were Not-sober, well, we've discussed the compound idea at great length, let's just put it that way. At least I know AC/DC was right then; my friends ARE gonna be there too!

Up for sale soon, my new t-shirt: "Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?"


Taoist Biker said...

I was with The Stand right up until the hamhanded Deus Ex Machina ending. I still have a hard time with that whole Hand of God thing. Other than that, though, it's the shit.

D'ya believe that happy crappy?

Don't tell me, I'll tell YOU!

Kim said...

Yeah, the ending felt wrong. Kind of like now when they end all end of the world stories with blaming it on global warming. That drivel makes me throw up in my mouth a little. The only time I really worry about the world ending is at 3:30 in the morning when I'm the only one awake and suffering from Insomnia-Induced Irrational Fear Syndrome, or IIIFS - one of the most fun parts about being me.

crisitunity said...

Aaaargh, the swine flu hysteria is STUPID. Once BF and I read or saw somewhere a hilarious quote about "ones of people die every year from being struck by lightning", and since then it's the phrase we've used whenever the media blows something out of proportion like this. I.e., ones of people are dying of swine flu even as I write this.

Meanwhile, several thousand people die of the regular flu every year. Mostly babies and old people. JUST LIKE THE ONES OF PEOPLE WHO ARE DYING OF SWINE FLU. It's like freakin' SARS. There's only a 98% chance you'll survive.


I am not calling YOU stupid. The media is stupid for making you worry about it. Also that was a very funny Jew joke.

Anonymous said...

I think I would go batshit on a compound and Brian would end up shooting me to put me out of your misery.

Kim said...

Cris - I was hoping this post reflected I too feel the mass hysteria is asinine; thus my planning for a compound - the media: "WE WILL REPORT ON THIS EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY BUT DON'T PANIC!!"

Heather - Well crap; I wanted you to be my sisterwife!

crisitunity said...

Oh. I missed that. I R dum. I think it was because you mentioned that The Stand scared you.

What you said the media is saying was hilarious.

Taoist said...

Heheh, that IS funny. "Don't miss our special report tonight at 11! The survival of your family might depend upon it! But there's nothing to worry about. Here's Tom with the weather."

LL Cool Joe said...

The press are having a field day here in the UK too. We are being shown how to sneeze into our clothes not our hands. Yeah like I'm get snot all over my hoodie!

Anyway i have to go and get my mask now..

Anonymous said...

1. If we are starting a new civilization, I produce potent "seed" and not-so-ugly kids.

2. You are Jewish. Stay out of the New Testament. :)