Yesterday I joked on Twitter that I was scared of getting swine flu but then remembered I'm Jewish. (Thanks Annette for joke inspiration) Then I wake up this morning to the disturbing news there are now seventeen confirmed cases of it not only here in S.C., but in Newberry County which is the next county over from WHERE I SIT RIGHT HERE. Not that I'm panicking; don't be ridiculous. I'm Jewish, remember? But seriously, Sundry mentioned Stephen King's The Stand, which is one of those I re-visit every few years or so; you know - the story where the flu wipes out all of civilization? Not recommended for early summer reading right now. I first read that as an impressionable teenager and I can't understand why I didn't become a paranoid germaphobe recluse. Oh, wait.
I've oft joked about Brian's propensity toward run-for-the-hills survival procedures. The ever-growing gun collection (now with more ammo!), the various survival guides. The honing of the hunting skills. I could argue when we moved back here to be close to his family again that was the first step in our preparations for the apocalypse, except we moved from a large city to a semi-large city, which is also the Capital of a state, and our neighborhood now is spitting distance from the entrance gates to a major military base. Oops. But! If you think he hasn't scoped out some property in the country very close to here that has definite bunker-type potential, you are so wrong. And don't worry - the compound is big enough for us and about thirty of our closest friends and I'm looking forward to the start of my very own compound. It's always been a dream of mine. Except no Mormons allowed - this isn't some Big Love shit up in this piece. Unless Bill Paxton is involved; then I'd be more than happy to share.
So, let's see - conspiracy theorists, whatcha think. 2012 - was that Mayan calendar on the money? Biblically, things are starting to freak me out and I don't even know the Bible that well. But that Revelations part I read in seventh grade kind of stuck with me over the years. Politically, haha! Oy, don't get me started. Well, I think I have it. Here's how you know when you need to make suitable preparations for the end of the world: the day I announce I'm pregnant. Should you get that announcement here, do not panic. Just let me know if you want to be part of my new compound and you'll get in on the ground floor. And by ground floor, I mean literally it'll be made out of dirt. There are a couple of my good friends who, especially on nights when we were Not-sober, well, we've discussed the compound idea at great length, let's just put it that way. At least I know AC/DC was right then; my friends ARE gonna be there too!
Up for sale soon, my new t-shirt: "Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?"
Showing posts with label World. Show all posts
Showing posts with label World. Show all posts
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Land of the Midnight Sun
I'm looking for any and all diversions this week; bear with me. Bear. Ha, that's...nevermind.
We have this weird fascination for Alaska. Neither of us has ever been there, but we're a little obsessed with the idea of it and if there is ever something about it on the telly, odds are we're going to watch it. Which reminds me - if any of you watch DeadliestCatch, Season 5 starts next month (Yay!)but as of my last check on the Discovery Channel website (yes, I've been checking daily - what?) they haven't listed a start date yet. A show about crab fishing in the Bering Sea - me? Yes. I love it. I made the mistake of watching a marathon a few years ago and have been hooked (pun totally intended) ever since. I may or may not even have a crush on one or two or all of the fishermen.
Last night Brian told me he'd taped something he thought we might like. It's called Alone in the Wilderness, a documentary about a 51-year-old man who went to Alaska in 1968 to see if he could live there by himself for one year and documented his daily life with a camera and a journal. His name is Richard Proenneke and here is the badass himself:
Not only did he live quite well for that year, he liked it so much he ended up living the next THIRTY-FIVE years there. By himself. He made his own tools. He built his own cabin. He grew and caught his own food. The dude was amazing, and if you ever get a chance to check out the movie or his book, (and oh, we will be getting the book, trust me)I highly recommend it.
I guess what we like about people like this is that they kind of put things into perspective a little bit. Here we are, worried about the economy, caught up in whatever little dramas we all have, (some of which we create for ourselves), stressed out over work or family or whatever. People like this who have the balls to say, You know what? I quit this bitch. And then actually follow through with it; it's just absolutely amazing to me. I'm jealous of that ability. He narrates the documentary and at one point when he's done HAND BUILDING HIS LOG CABIN, he says, Falling asleep to the sound of the river rushing by is the best sleeping pill in the world.I believe you, buddy.
Brian watches things like that with obvious lust in his soul. I could almost hear what he was thinking last night as we watched. I know he'd love to try something like that, even if only for a few months. The closest he's ever had to pure and complete happiness from a job was when he did commercial fishing, NOT in Alaska, down in South Florida, but still. I dealt with being apart for days, sometimes weeks at a time because I knew how much he loved it, for almost a year. I wish there was a way for him to do it again, of course without the separation part. A lot of people said he was being kind of selfish to do it. Maybe. All I know is it's a pleasure to see your spouse that happy all the time. I would've felt selfish had I not agreed to let him do it.
I fervently hope someday we'll take a trip to Alaska. Yes, that sounds a little crazy but it's totally true. I think the closest we'll ever come is the tentative cruise Johnann and I are planning for some year in the future. It might take ten years to save and plan for it, but it can be done. Something crazy too: many years ago (I want to say the fifties), one of my dad's older relatives bought property there. Supposedly. We've never been able to locate any deed or anything to prove that; it was just something people in the family would bring up from time to time. I never used to care, but now? Damn. Could you imagine though if I ever found this evidence? Gah! Who knows, then; all bets would be off. I might just have to say I quit this bitch; I'm out! Governor, tell your teenage daughter to get ready to party and get a babysitter for the bastard grandchild because here we come!
We have this weird fascination for Alaska. Neither of us has ever been there, but we're a little obsessed with the idea of it and if there is ever something about it on the telly, odds are we're going to watch it. Which reminds me - if any of you watch DeadliestCatch, Season 5 starts next month (Yay!)but as of my last check on the Discovery Channel website (yes, I've been checking daily - what?) they haven't listed a start date yet. A show about crab fishing in the Bering Sea - me? Yes. I love it. I made the mistake of watching a marathon a few years ago and have been hooked (pun totally intended) ever since. I may or may not even have a crush on one or two or all of the fishermen.
Last night Brian told me he'd taped something he thought we might like. It's called Alone in the Wilderness, a documentary about a 51-year-old man who went to Alaska in 1968 to see if he could live there by himself for one year and documented his daily life with a camera and a journal. His name is Richard Proenneke and here is the badass himself:
Not only did he live quite well for that year, he liked it so much he ended up living the next THIRTY-FIVE years there. By himself. He made his own tools. He built his own cabin. He grew and caught his own food. The dude was amazing, and if you ever get a chance to check out the movie or his book, (and oh, we will be getting the book, trust me)I highly recommend it.
I guess what we like about people like this is that they kind of put things into perspective a little bit. Here we are, worried about the economy, caught up in whatever little dramas we all have, (some of which we create for ourselves), stressed out over work or family or whatever. People like this who have the balls to say, You know what? I quit this bitch. And then actually follow through with it; it's just absolutely amazing to me. I'm jealous of that ability. He narrates the documentary and at one point when he's done HAND BUILDING HIS LOG CABIN, he says, Falling asleep to the sound of the river rushing by is the best sleeping pill in the world.I believe you, buddy.
Brian watches things like that with obvious lust in his soul. I could almost hear what he was thinking last night as we watched. I know he'd love to try something like that, even if only for a few months. The closest he's ever had to pure and complete happiness from a job was when he did commercial fishing, NOT in Alaska, down in South Florida, but still. I dealt with being apart for days, sometimes weeks at a time because I knew how much he loved it, for almost a year. I wish there was a way for him to do it again, of course without the separation part. A lot of people said he was being kind of selfish to do it. Maybe. All I know is it's a pleasure to see your spouse that happy all the time. I would've felt selfish had I not agreed to let him do it.
I fervently hope someday we'll take a trip to Alaska. Yes, that sounds a little crazy but it's totally true. I think the closest we'll ever come is the tentative cruise Johnann and I are planning for some year in the future. It might take ten years to save and plan for it, but it can be done. Something crazy too: many years ago (I want to say the fifties), one of my dad's older relatives bought property there. Supposedly. We've never been able to locate any deed or anything to prove that; it was just something people in the family would bring up from time to time. I never used to care, but now? Damn. Could you imagine though if I ever found this evidence? Gah! Who knows, then; all bets would be off. I might just have to say I quit this bitch; I'm out! Governor, tell your teenage daughter to get ready to party and get a babysitter for the bastard grandchild because here we come!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
People unaware of the concept
Out of all the chores I've done this weekend, I guess scrubbing chili off of Brian's truck has to be the weirdest. I can say with complete honesty the last time I cleaned food product off of one of my vehicles, it was due to my own vomiting.
Backstory:
As a realtor, George's job responsibilites cover a wide arrange of tasks and about a month ago, he asked Brian to help assist with an eviction. They attempted it back then, but the lady who owned the house was convinced she had the right to be there even though she hadn't made any payments since August. I don't know where she got her legal skills, but apparently she knew something, for she was able to file enough appeals so that they were unsuccessful in kicking her out the last two times they tried. She was overheard telling the officer on the scene that once Obama was in office, she wouldn't have to worry about this mess anymore - he was going to take care of people like her. (?)
I don't know about you, but if I've ever been late on paying for the place I live in, even by only a few days, I'm in utter panic mode, trying to figure out whatever I need to do to rectify the situation, spending sleepless nights and suffering stomcah problems and cold sweats until I solve the problem. I've never thought about any government official helping me out in this situation. I'm guessing that even though this President-elect is someone who is trying to help people, I don't think that includes paying their mortgages for them? Did I miss something from one of the debates?
A few days ago, George told Brian it was eviction time again. On very short notice Brian lined up four more guys, as legally they were supposed to have six people there to remove the items from the home. They showed up bright and early and the lady met them outside, telling them this would all be taken care of again and that they were wasting their time. She also expected them to put everything back into her house the way they found it when the cops came in to save the day like they did last time. This time when the cop showed up, he had to give her the bad news that it wasn't going to happen this time. She tried to get him on her side by complaining about "these bankers and real estate people" all being greedy crooks and the cop agreed with her, but then said it was also true you have to pay to live in a house you bought until the time it was paid off. I'm not sure what part of that she didn't grasp.
Brian said the inside of the house was among the worst he's ever seen in the time since we've been going into these places and cleaning them up. I won't be involved in the cleaning of this one and for that I'm ever-thankful. He said he found about fifteen empty Windex bottles under one of the bathroom sinks and that was puzzling, since every glass surface he saw was filthy. Empty toilet paper rolls were everywhere and there were a few more things he told me I will spare you, as I wish I didn't have the visual myself.
Except for one. On one of her living room walls was a gigantic, wall-size poster of Obama. The President Who Will Pay All Your Bills.
As they were removing the items from the house, Brian saw someone go near his truck but didn't think anything of it at the time. When he got home he noticed a big orange/brown stain with little chunks of meat and with his keen powers of observation (sniffing) surmised it to be chili. Since it hadn't been there that morning, he figured that was their way of showing their appreciation for the house cleaning.
For boring old people, we certainly do have some interesting days.
Backstory:
As a realtor, George's job responsibilites cover a wide arrange of tasks and about a month ago, he asked Brian to help assist with an eviction. They attempted it back then, but the lady who owned the house was convinced she had the right to be there even though she hadn't made any payments since August. I don't know where she got her legal skills, but apparently she knew something, for she was able to file enough appeals so that they were unsuccessful in kicking her out the last two times they tried. She was overheard telling the officer on the scene that once Obama was in office, she wouldn't have to worry about this mess anymore - he was going to take care of people like her. (?)
I don't know about you, but if I've ever been late on paying for the place I live in, even by only a few days, I'm in utter panic mode, trying to figure out whatever I need to do to rectify the situation, spending sleepless nights and suffering stomcah problems and cold sweats until I solve the problem. I've never thought about any government official helping me out in this situation. I'm guessing that even though this President-elect is someone who is trying to help people, I don't think that includes paying their mortgages for them? Did I miss something from one of the debates?
A few days ago, George told Brian it was eviction time again. On very short notice Brian lined up four more guys, as legally they were supposed to have six people there to remove the items from the home. They showed up bright and early and the lady met them outside, telling them this would all be taken care of again and that they were wasting their time. She also expected them to put everything back into her house the way they found it when the cops came in to save the day like they did last time. This time when the cop showed up, he had to give her the bad news that it wasn't going to happen this time. She tried to get him on her side by complaining about "these bankers and real estate people" all being greedy crooks and the cop agreed with her, but then said it was also true you have to pay to live in a house you bought until the time it was paid off. I'm not sure what part of that she didn't grasp.
Brian said the inside of the house was among the worst he's ever seen in the time since we've been going into these places and cleaning them up. I won't be involved in the cleaning of this one and for that I'm ever-thankful. He said he found about fifteen empty Windex bottles under one of the bathroom sinks and that was puzzling, since every glass surface he saw was filthy. Empty toilet paper rolls were everywhere and there were a few more things he told me I will spare you, as I wish I didn't have the visual myself.
Except for one. On one of her living room walls was a gigantic, wall-size poster of Obama. The President Who Will Pay All Your Bills.
As they were removing the items from the house, Brian saw someone go near his truck but didn't think anything of it at the time. When he got home he noticed a big orange/brown stain with little chunks of meat and with his keen powers of observation (sniffing) surmised it to be chili. Since it hadn't been there that morning, he figured that was their way of showing their appreciation for the house cleaning.
For boring old people, we certainly do have some interesting days.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Deadbeats, Backaches & Baths
I'm curious about something.
This is the second time in the span of a two weeks Brian has tried to evict people out of their house. That sounds mean, right? Well, consider this: these people haven't paid their mortgage in almost six months. They finally got the court order to vacate about a month ago. They ignored it. Last week when Brian and George tried to get them out, a cop was there and he told them they needed at least four people to do the job and didn't let them do it. Today they went back with four people, making it six in total, more than enough to empty a house of its contents and deal with potentially unhappy people.
Brian ran around for hours last night setting up guys to come help, letting them know what they'd get paid, etc. They made sure they were equipped with the necessary manpower and paperwork and that everything was by the book. Well, upon arriving back there this morning, they found the people had gone to court yesterday to file an appeal and AGAIN they were unable to complete the task. These homeowners, who live on welfare think it's really funny this keeps happening. They're under the impression once our President elect gets into office, they will continue to be able to live like this.
So....hmmm. Am I correct in my assessment that we go to work every day to earn money to pay for not only the privlege to live in our house but also to have a portion of our money go to pay for these people to sit around and laugh at us? I'm certainly not an economics student, but something feels slightly unfair about this. Then again, maybe I've been going at it all wrong this whole time. Obviously these people are much smarter than I am; they've obviously figured out how to live for free! What I'd really like to do is call them up and ask them their secret!
While Brian was out last night I wanted to surprise him when he got home. So I greeted him at the door wearing a French maid uniform holding a tray with a martini and a cigar.
No.
I put up four 100-string white lights all around the living and dining rooms. I stood up on stools. I climbed up on tables. I slipped and fell and landed on the hardwood floor. Luckily my back broke my fall. The dog became very concerned because he isn't used to seeing me lying in the fetal position crying. As I lay there I thought about how most accidents happen in the home and how I always yell at people not to do certain things while they're home alone. But who ever takes their own advice? Not me, that's who. Today I'm not doing too badly. Sore definitely, maybe walking with a slight limp, but that's not too far off from most days, so it's cool. I am going to do something tonight I haven't done in years, literal years. I, Kim L. Fanning, am going to take a bath.
I hate baths. It hasn't always been this way - there were years when bath time was the high point of the day. My sister and I took our baths together with an entire arsenal of Fisher Price bath toys. We made suds hats and beards. We played Clumsy Waitress and dumped cups of water over each other. Mr. Bubble was our best friend and constant companion. I don't know when my feelings changed, but as I got older and started bathing alone it just lost its appeal.
My sister, she still loves her a nice long bath. When they built their house she made sure she got the tub of her dreams and still considers it one of her favorite luxuries. I've tried. I've brought books in with me. I've used fancy, great-smelling bubbles, salts, beads, you name it. Once, not too long ago I even tried Mr. Bubble again. Nothing works. I can't reconcile myself to sitting around in my own dirt while the water slowly gets cool and clammy and then having to rinse off under the shower anyway. What is the frigging point? Skip all that and take a nice hot shower with shower-related great-smelling stuff and be done with it.
Eh, I think I just talked myself out of taking a bath tonight. I'll sit on the couch with the heating pad and probably produce the same effect. Without getting wet and cold. If there is a moral to this story, I would say it's this:
Don't climb up on stuff when you're home alone or you might have to take a bath.
This is the second time in the span of a two weeks Brian has tried to evict people out of their house. That sounds mean, right? Well, consider this: these people haven't paid their mortgage in almost six months. They finally got the court order to vacate about a month ago. They ignored it. Last week when Brian and George tried to get them out, a cop was there and he told them they needed at least four people to do the job and didn't let them do it. Today they went back with four people, making it six in total, more than enough to empty a house of its contents and deal with potentially unhappy people.
Brian ran around for hours last night setting up guys to come help, letting them know what they'd get paid, etc. They made sure they were equipped with the necessary manpower and paperwork and that everything was by the book. Well, upon arriving back there this morning, they found the people had gone to court yesterday to file an appeal and AGAIN they were unable to complete the task. These homeowners, who live on welfare think it's really funny this keeps happening. They're under the impression once our President elect gets into office, they will continue to be able to live like this.
So....hmmm. Am I correct in my assessment that we go to work every day to earn money to pay for not only the privlege to live in our house but also to have a portion of our money go to pay for these people to sit around and laugh at us? I'm certainly not an economics student, but something feels slightly unfair about this. Then again, maybe I've been going at it all wrong this whole time. Obviously these people are much smarter than I am; they've obviously figured out how to live for free! What I'd really like to do is call them up and ask them their secret!
While Brian was out last night I wanted to surprise him when he got home. So I greeted him at the door wearing a French maid uniform holding a tray with a martini and a cigar.
No.
I put up four 100-string white lights all around the living and dining rooms. I stood up on stools. I climbed up on tables. I slipped and fell and landed on the hardwood floor. Luckily my back broke my fall. The dog became very concerned because he isn't used to seeing me lying in the fetal position crying. As I lay there I thought about how most accidents happen in the home and how I always yell at people not to do certain things while they're home alone. But who ever takes their own advice? Not me, that's who. Today I'm not doing too badly. Sore definitely, maybe walking with a slight limp, but that's not too far off from most days, so it's cool. I am going to do something tonight I haven't done in years, literal years. I, Kim L. Fanning, am going to take a bath.
I hate baths. It hasn't always been this way - there were years when bath time was the high point of the day. My sister and I took our baths together with an entire arsenal of Fisher Price bath toys. We made suds hats and beards. We played Clumsy Waitress and dumped cups of water over each other. Mr. Bubble was our best friend and constant companion. I don't know when my feelings changed, but as I got older and started bathing alone it just lost its appeal.
My sister, she still loves her a nice long bath. When they built their house she made sure she got the tub of her dreams and still considers it one of her favorite luxuries. I've tried. I've brought books in with me. I've used fancy, great-smelling bubbles, salts, beads, you name it. Once, not too long ago I even tried Mr. Bubble again. Nothing works. I can't reconcile myself to sitting around in my own dirt while the water slowly gets cool and clammy and then having to rinse off under the shower anyway. What is the frigging point? Skip all that and take a nice hot shower with shower-related great-smelling stuff and be done with it.
Eh, I think I just talked myself out of taking a bath tonight. I'll sit on the couch with the heating pad and probably produce the same effect. Without getting wet and cold. If there is a moral to this story, I would say it's this:
Don't climb up on stuff when you're home alone or you might have to take a bath.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
45 years ago today
You've heard this part:
"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country."
But have you ever heard the rest?
"My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.
Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us here the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God's work must truly be our own."
John F. Kennedy - January 20, 1961
Ooohoo - chills, man!
I have this weird thing where certain dates stick out in my head. I'm weird. I always remember today is the day JFK got killed. It's also the birthday of one of the scariest bosses I've ever had, but that's not important. I've always had this thing for Kennedy - him, his family, that time period. The show I posted about yesterday? Yeah, right there. I usually don't write about politics, because I'm not that smart and don't have the energy or inclination to debate about it here. But isn't it amazing, that innaugurial speech he made way back then before most of us here were even born, how much of it still applies to what we're going through now? The dude was smart. And hot. His wife was the classiest and best-dressed First Lady to ever step foot in the White House. Sorry, Hillary. I know you thought you held that title. You don't.
I don't know where we'd be today had something been different that day. Better, worse, the same? I don't know. All I do know is everytime I see footage from that surreal moment in time, I always get the urge to say watch out, get down - freaking duck! What were you thinking, riding in a convertable, all vulnerable and out in the open like that. And the worst part is, I'm sure we'll never, ever find out the truth behind all of it.
Someone on the radio the other day tried to compare the upcoming administration to that of Kennedy's Camelot. Nice try, fucker. There are the obvious comparisons between two young, attractive, ground-breaking men, but saying something like that is blatant wishful thinking. There are some moments in time so perfect and good they can never be replicated. America during 1961 through 1963 was an optimistic and exciting time. I'd be real curious to hear what Kennedy would have to say about what's going on right now. Sucks we'll never know.
"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country."
But have you ever heard the rest?
"My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.
Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us here the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God's work must truly be our own."
John F. Kennedy - January 20, 1961
Ooohoo - chills, man!
I have this weird thing where certain dates stick out in my head. I'm weird. I always remember today is the day JFK got killed. It's also the birthday of one of the scariest bosses I've ever had, but that's not important. I've always had this thing for Kennedy - him, his family, that time period. The show I posted about yesterday? Yeah, right there. I usually don't write about politics, because I'm not that smart and don't have the energy or inclination to debate about it here. But isn't it amazing, that innaugurial speech he made way back then before most of us here were even born, how much of it still applies to what we're going through now? The dude was smart. And hot. His wife was the classiest and best-dressed First Lady to ever step foot in the White House. Sorry, Hillary. I know you thought you held that title. You don't.
I don't know where we'd be today had something been different that day. Better, worse, the same? I don't know. All I do know is everytime I see footage from that surreal moment in time, I always get the urge to say watch out, get down - freaking duck! What were you thinking, riding in a convertable, all vulnerable and out in the open like that. And the worst part is, I'm sure we'll never, ever find out the truth behind all of it.
Someone on the radio the other day tried to compare the upcoming administration to that of Kennedy's Camelot. Nice try, fucker. There are the obvious comparisons between two young, attractive, ground-breaking men, but saying something like that is blatant wishful thinking. There are some moments in time so perfect and good they can never be replicated. America during 1961 through 1963 was an optimistic and exciting time. I'd be real curious to hear what Kennedy would have to say about what's going on right now. Sucks we'll never know.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
What, me worry?
I have a few people thinking, perhaps WAITING for me to post today about the election. And to that I say no thanks, nyet, nien, no way jose, nosireebobbybrady. Everyone who knows me already knows my feelings about everything and I also think I made it clear yesterday. I'm glad this part of it is over. Am I worried? Sure. But I've been worried for a long time, so I'm used to that. No matter who got elected last night, that wasn't going to change. If you want to talk politics, call Brian - he has plenty to say today and in fact just kept me on the phone for 18 minutes. But I'm done talking about it. For now, anyway.
In the meantime, because I wouldn't want you to think I've lost my mind and I'm just a-strollin' along, carefree, fancyfree and any other kind of free, here is a list of the things - besides politics - I'm currently concerned about:
1. My cousin's wife goes in for major surgery in the next few days. She's already been through a ton of health-related issues this year, but when I saw her last weekend she had her usual great attitude about everything, so that made me feel better. But still, major surgery. Which also leads to worrying about my cousin and the rest of their family.
2. My mother, who needs eye surgery like last year because of progressing cataracts, but who in the meantime is still driving her car to and from work, endangering herself and anyone near her on the road. Don't get me started on this. Bulletin: if you live in the Inverness city limits or its immediate surroundings, be on the lookout for a small silver-blueish Chevy Aveo with an insane-looking orange-haired woman driving. Steer clear and give her a wide berth; she can't see you.
3. Who they're going to fill the Weekend Update desk with now that Amy Poehler's had her baby.
4. The fact that we have gas heat in our house but still no carbon monoxide sensor.
5. About how loose, jiggly and weird my gear shift feels when I move it from one gear to another.
6. The fact that Peyton Manning's knee surgery this summer has had a disasterous effect on the Colts this season.
7. About my friend, the Princess of Darkness. It seems she's getting herself involved in a lifestyle much more suited to a 20-year-old than a 40-year-old, and that she has no idea how to handle it.
8. My other cousin, who even though she's separated from her abusive, alcoholic husband, seems in no hurry to actually divorce him and now they're seeing each other every weekend when they trade the child off and getting along "better than ever."
9. Whether or not Brian kills a deer when he goes hunting Friday. Last year he got one his first half hour in the woods and because of this my guess is that his expectations are irrationally high. Also that when I wake him up to leave and give him coffee at 4:30 that morning I won't be able to fall back to sleep.
10. That somehow his parents will guilt us into spending Thanksgiving with them and that we won't be able to pull off spending it by ourselves two years in a row.
11. About the Gamecocks winning their next three games: Arkansas, Florida and Clemson. Especially the Florida one.
12. Not getting to go upstate to look at the leaves because they're turning too damn fast.
See? There is PLENTY of worry floating around in this fun head of mine without even touching the state of the world. And really? That's just a mere fraction of the things I think about on a minute-by-minute basis. If I were ever to share everything, just spill it all out there with no filter or censorship, you would be very afraid. Very, very afraid.
In the meantime, because I wouldn't want you to think I've lost my mind and I'm just a-strollin' along, carefree, fancyfree and any other kind of free, here is a list of the things - besides politics - I'm currently concerned about:
1. My cousin's wife goes in for major surgery in the next few days. She's already been through a ton of health-related issues this year, but when I saw her last weekend she had her usual great attitude about everything, so that made me feel better. But still, major surgery. Which also leads to worrying about my cousin and the rest of their family.
2. My mother, who needs eye surgery like last year because of progressing cataracts, but who in the meantime is still driving her car to and from work, endangering herself and anyone near her on the road. Don't get me started on this. Bulletin: if you live in the Inverness city limits or its immediate surroundings, be on the lookout for a small silver-blueish Chevy Aveo with an insane-looking orange-haired woman driving. Steer clear and give her a wide berth; she can't see you.
3. Who they're going to fill the Weekend Update desk with now that Amy Poehler's had her baby.
4. The fact that we have gas heat in our house but still no carbon monoxide sensor.
5. About how loose, jiggly and weird my gear shift feels when I move it from one gear to another.
6. The fact that Peyton Manning's knee surgery this summer has had a disasterous effect on the Colts this season.
7. About my friend, the Princess of Darkness. It seems she's getting herself involved in a lifestyle much more suited to a 20-year-old than a 40-year-old, and that she has no idea how to handle it.
8. My other cousin, who even though she's separated from her abusive, alcoholic husband, seems in no hurry to actually divorce him and now they're seeing each other every weekend when they trade the child off and getting along "better than ever."
9. Whether or not Brian kills a deer when he goes hunting Friday. Last year he got one his first half hour in the woods and because of this my guess is that his expectations are irrationally high. Also that when I wake him up to leave and give him coffee at 4:30 that morning I won't be able to fall back to sleep.
10. That somehow his parents will guilt us into spending Thanksgiving with them and that we won't be able to pull off spending it by ourselves two years in a row.
11. About the Gamecocks winning their next three games: Arkansas, Florida and Clemson. Especially the Florida one.
12. Not getting to go upstate to look at the leaves because they're turning too damn fast.
See? There is PLENTY of worry floating around in this fun head of mine without even touching the state of the world. And really? That's just a mere fraction of the things I think about on a minute-by-minute basis. If I were ever to share everything, just spill it all out there with no filter or censorship, you would be very afraid. Very, very afraid.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Happy Erection Day!
That was neither a typo, nor me talking with a Chinese accent. By the time tonight gets here, Brian is going to be so freaked out, the only way I'll be able to calm his nerves is with a nice blowjob. Believe me - I've lived with him for over twelve years; I know how to handle these things.
New friend Heather (as opposed to old friend Heather) brought something to my attention and I'm going to have to make a retraction to the blog from Sunday. Zack & Miri, while still a great movie, is no Chasing Amy. I think I was too fresh from the post-theater glow to have enough of an objective opinion on the matter. She was right - this movie didn't even have Jason Lee in it, for one thing, and that right there loses a couple of points. Official retraction executed.
Sooo...let's see...something to discuss besides the election...hmm.
Um...
(*Thinking*)...
Shit. It's pointless. I can't think of anything. So I'll just say this. I don't care anymore. I don't care whose side you're on. I don't care who wins. (Yeah, right) But seriously, I am so, so effing tired of this. I'm pretty sure everybody is. I know in my lifetime there's never been a more devisive atmosphere when it comes to politics. Over the weekend I almost got into a serious argument with my own family, MY OWN FAMILY, the people I love most in this world, because of this bullshit. It's ridiculous already. What's going to happen is going to happen and really there's not a damn thing any of us can do about it (well besides voting, but you know what I mean, damn it).
As a Jew and world-class worrier, I'm tired of devoting energy to thinking, talking, arguing, being pissed off and whatever else about this. I'm glad at least the anticipation is going to be over with soon. Maybe people will calm the fuck down now. I have a lovely sedative just waiting for me at home tonight and that, plus Operation Blowjob will hopefully keep us nice and peaceful. I don't think I've ever wanted another TV as much as I do tonight, because although I'd just like to ignore it all and watch cartoons, that is not going to happen. It worked last night when I made him turn it from the news to Family Guy, but that was last night.
Are you happy you stopped by to read today? Glad to know at some point tonight I'll be servicing my husband? It's kind of gross, isn't it? Too much information? Yeah well, sorry. No matter what happens tonight, at least I'm comforted by the fact I'll still have my freedom of speech come tomorrow.
Well, maybe. Ha.
New friend Heather (as opposed to old friend Heather) brought something to my attention and I'm going to have to make a retraction to the blog from Sunday. Zack & Miri, while still a great movie, is no Chasing Amy. I think I was too fresh from the post-theater glow to have enough of an objective opinion on the matter. She was right - this movie didn't even have Jason Lee in it, for one thing, and that right there loses a couple of points. Official retraction executed.
Sooo...let's see...something to discuss besides the election...hmm.
Um...
(*Thinking*)...
Shit. It's pointless. I can't think of anything. So I'll just say this. I don't care anymore. I don't care whose side you're on. I don't care who wins. (Yeah, right) But seriously, I am so, so effing tired of this. I'm pretty sure everybody is. I know in my lifetime there's never been a more devisive atmosphere when it comes to politics. Over the weekend I almost got into a serious argument with my own family, MY OWN FAMILY, the people I love most in this world, because of this bullshit. It's ridiculous already. What's going to happen is going to happen and really there's not a damn thing any of us can do about it (well besides voting, but you know what I mean, damn it).
As a Jew and world-class worrier, I'm tired of devoting energy to thinking, talking, arguing, being pissed off and whatever else about this. I'm glad at least the anticipation is going to be over with soon. Maybe people will calm the fuck down now. I have a lovely sedative just waiting for me at home tonight and that, plus Operation Blowjob will hopefully keep us nice and peaceful. I don't think I've ever wanted another TV as much as I do tonight, because although I'd just like to ignore it all and watch cartoons, that is not going to happen. It worked last night when I made him turn it from the news to Family Guy, but that was last night.
Are you happy you stopped by to read today? Glad to know at some point tonight I'll be servicing my husband? It's kind of gross, isn't it? Too much information? Yeah well, sorry. No matter what happens tonight, at least I'm comforted by the fact I'll still have my freedom of speech come tomorrow.
Well, maybe. Ha.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Politics and the Bliss of Ignorance
I just tried posting a YouTube video of Amy Poehler rapping as Sarah Palin the other night on SNL and it didn't work. I hope you saw it; Amy is a genius. I'm really going to miss her when she leaves very soon to have a baby and then goes to work on what I fear is going to be a disaster, an spinoff of The Office. I mean seriously. The Office is amazing, just like its British predecessor, but come on - even they know they got lucky with the perfect combination of writers and actors. That magic doesn't happen very often as evidenced in all the utter crap that pollutes TV every day.
Hey, did you know there was an election coming up in less than two weeks? No, I'm serious. And I'm having a hard time refraining from turning this blog into one big political rant, but there are already too many of those as it is, so I won't. I'm sure I'll have SOMETHING to say November 5th, but even then I'll keep it to a minimum. I will tell you this though. Eight years ago on election night, Brian dealt with the stress by drinking hundreds and hundreds of beers. I stayed at work late that night, where I also got into trouble and by trouble I mean, fuck was I stupid. So I made a rule for this election day/night. NO BEER. I'm dead ass serious. He looked at me weird when I said it, like "What? I wasn't even thinking about getting beer!" Sure. I'm not new here; I know how these things work. I'd love to take a few (hundred) sedatives to deal with everything that night, but I'm not going to. We're both going to have to suffer through this dead ass sober. I am the fun police and I declare that night a No Fun Zone.
Update on the Princess of Darkness and the Saga from the Trailer Park. She went out the other night with Drunky's brother, a transvestite. I'm telling you, I can't make this shit up! They went to a gay strip bar where she met a guy who works there as part of the "entertainment", i.e. a stripper. She went home with him that night and they hooked up. He told her, yes he works in a gay bar, yes he lives with a male roommate who's in love with him and yes he was raised by two dads, but don't worry because he himself is totally straight. Straight as an arrow, yep. He LOVES her little boobs and the fact that she's built like a boy (yes, he said that) but he is straight. I asked my source if they had sex in any position besides doggie and she said she didn't know. Because my guess would be no. She is completely smitten with this guy, calling him at work and giggle-whispering into the phone, pretty much acting like a total tool. She really and truly believes this is her new boyfriend. So. If you were feeling bad about your love life before reading this? I provided this story as a public service announcement to make you feel better.
You are welcome.
Hey, did you know there was an election coming up in less than two weeks? No, I'm serious. And I'm having a hard time refraining from turning this blog into one big political rant, but there are already too many of those as it is, so I won't. I'm sure I'll have SOMETHING to say November 5th, but even then I'll keep it to a minimum. I will tell you this though. Eight years ago on election night, Brian dealt with the stress by drinking hundreds and hundreds of beers. I stayed at work late that night, where I also got into trouble and by trouble I mean, fuck was I stupid. So I made a rule for this election day/night. NO BEER. I'm dead ass serious. He looked at me weird when I said it, like "What? I wasn't even thinking about getting beer!" Sure. I'm not new here; I know how these things work. I'd love to take a few (hundred) sedatives to deal with everything that night, but I'm not going to. We're both going to have to suffer through this dead ass sober. I am the fun police and I declare that night a No Fun Zone.
Update on the Princess of Darkness and the Saga from the Trailer Park. She went out the other night with Drunky's brother, a transvestite. I'm telling you, I can't make this shit up! They went to a gay strip bar where she met a guy who works there as part of the "entertainment", i.e. a stripper. She went home with him that night and they hooked up. He told her, yes he works in a gay bar, yes he lives with a male roommate who's in love with him and yes he was raised by two dads, but don't worry because he himself is totally straight. Straight as an arrow, yep. He LOVES her little boobs and the fact that she's built like a boy (yes, he said that) but he is straight. I asked my source if they had sex in any position besides doggie and she said she didn't know. Because my guess would be no. She is completely smitten with this guy, calling him at work and giggle-whispering into the phone, pretty much acting like a total tool. She really and truly believes this is her new boyfriend. So. If you were feeling bad about your love life before reading this? I provided this story as a public service announcement to make you feel better.
You are welcome.
Monday, September 29, 2008
A particularly manic Monday
You ever have one of those days where you finally, finally sit down on the couch at 7:45 p.m. because you just got home and go, "What the fuck just happened?" Hi, welcome to my day.
It started off my a very upsetting phone call from my sister telling me our grandmother who is 92 years old had a stroke last night and is now unable to communicate and mostly unconscious. She lives in a nursing home, but I hate to even call it that, because I've been there several times, and this place is so amazing, with wonderfully kind people who work there and who love my grandmother...the only bright spot of this whole thing is that she's being cared for there instead of in some impersonal, unfriendly and sterile hospital. What followed though, were many phone calls and emails with family members in between a hugely busy work day, all while trying to keep the crying private. Contrary to popular belief, I don't enjoy crying in public, especially not at work. There's been no change with her as of this evening and I'm really not expecting to hear any news, good or bad, for the next few days.
So yeah, then work. Because of our state's fantastic planning, the gas shortage is sort of dragging on, which directly affects my job because my job is event planning for state employees who have to travel to attend our events. Several of my trainings for this week were cancelled, but because people don't check their emails, voicemails or pay attention in general, they didn't get the notification and showed up down in Charleston to a training that wasn't happening. Eleven of them. Mass chaos ensued.
Brian. Usually we talk once or twice during the day just to say hi or whatever, but today he called no less than six times. I love the man dearly, but without me he would be unable to complete many of life's mundane and/or bureaucratic tasks. He needed to renew his tags and driver's license but needed me for copies of our insurance cards, directions to the tax office, etc. And, since the stock market decided to take another spectacular shit today, he called several times just to discuss that. The last time, when I answered the phone with a terse "YES?" instead of my usual "Hey, baby," he realized he was on my last Jew nerve and apologized. I love talking to my man normally, just not when I'm having DAYS LIKE TODAY.
Which brings me to...yeah. Have you heard about what went down on Wall Street today? If not, crawl out from the rock you're currently under and take a peek. It's not pretty. I jokingly asked my Manhattanite cousin if I should be worried, expecting a joke and a laugh and he just responded in a very short email that said, "Be afraid." Great! I still maintain that because we have no sort of investments or any savings to speak of, we'll actually be okay for the time being...that is until gas really does go to eight bucks a gallon and I have to take out a Pay Day Loan to buy the week's groceries. But I don't have time to deal with that now - I'll worry about that next week when it actually happens.
Last but certainly not least. Went to a doctor's appointment after work. You know how when you go and they make you get on the scale no matter what you're there for? Well, the number I saw can only be described as "disgusting." Out of curiosity I asked the nurse how much weight I'd put on since my first visit there ten months ago, and she hesitated before telling me...26 pounds. TWENTY-SIX FUCKING POUNDS. So. I guess my little step machine and Jillian's Thirty Day Shred dvd? Yeah, well I suppose I'll actually have to start using them both on a regular basis along with limiting the amount of shit I stuff in my food hole. Kelley blogged about starting back on the South Beach diet which worked for her (and many other people) before, but my love for carbs pretty much ranks up there with my love of breathing, so I know that's not an option for me. My thing has always been a simple equation: expend many more calories than what I inhale. For the love of God.
So! How was YOUR day?
It started off my a very upsetting phone call from my sister telling me our grandmother who is 92 years old had a stroke last night and is now unable to communicate and mostly unconscious. She lives in a nursing home, but I hate to even call it that, because I've been there several times, and this place is so amazing, with wonderfully kind people who work there and who love my grandmother...the only bright spot of this whole thing is that she's being cared for there instead of in some impersonal, unfriendly and sterile hospital. What followed though, were many phone calls and emails with family members in between a hugely busy work day, all while trying to keep the crying private. Contrary to popular belief, I don't enjoy crying in public, especially not at work. There's been no change with her as of this evening and I'm really not expecting to hear any news, good or bad, for the next few days.
So yeah, then work. Because of our state's fantastic planning, the gas shortage is sort of dragging on, which directly affects my job because my job is event planning for state employees who have to travel to attend our events. Several of my trainings for this week were cancelled, but because people don't check their emails, voicemails or pay attention in general, they didn't get the notification and showed up down in Charleston to a training that wasn't happening. Eleven of them. Mass chaos ensued.
Brian. Usually we talk once or twice during the day just to say hi or whatever, but today he called no less than six times. I love the man dearly, but without me he would be unable to complete many of life's mundane and/or bureaucratic tasks. He needed to renew his tags and driver's license but needed me for copies of our insurance cards, directions to the tax office, etc. And, since the stock market decided to take another spectacular shit today, he called several times just to discuss that. The last time, when I answered the phone with a terse "YES?" instead of my usual "Hey, baby," he realized he was on my last Jew nerve and apologized. I love talking to my man normally, just not when I'm having DAYS LIKE TODAY.
Which brings me to...yeah. Have you heard about what went down on Wall Street today? If not, crawl out from the rock you're currently under and take a peek. It's not pretty. I jokingly asked my Manhattanite cousin if I should be worried, expecting a joke and a laugh and he just responded in a very short email that said, "Be afraid." Great! I still maintain that because we have no sort of investments or any savings to speak of, we'll actually be okay for the time being...that is until gas really does go to eight bucks a gallon and I have to take out a Pay Day Loan to buy the week's groceries. But I don't have time to deal with that now - I'll worry about that next week when it actually happens.
Last but certainly not least. Went to a doctor's appointment after work. You know how when you go and they make you get on the scale no matter what you're there for? Well, the number I saw can only be described as "disgusting." Out of curiosity I asked the nurse how much weight I'd put on since my first visit there ten months ago, and she hesitated before telling me...26 pounds. TWENTY-SIX FUCKING POUNDS. So. I guess my little step machine and Jillian's Thirty Day Shred dvd? Yeah, well I suppose I'll actually have to start using them both on a regular basis along with limiting the amount of shit I stuff in my food hole. Kelley blogged about starting back on the South Beach diet which worked for her (and many other people) before, but my love for carbs pretty much ranks up there with my love of breathing, so I know that's not an option for me. My thing has always been a simple equation: expend many more calories than what I inhale. For the love of God.
So! How was YOUR day?
Friday, September 12, 2008
There's a ton of stuff out there today (though not enough in my opinion) about remembering 9/11 and most of it is written by people a lot more talented than I am. I'm not here to preach, theorize, spout off; just know it's heavy on me today, like it has been every year since it happened. It's easy to shrug off now; time does have a way of not erasing, but blurring the edges a little, which is essential for any form of grief, but it's still weird. Kids Elizabeth's age were six when it happened - they might have vague memories of their parents pulling them out of school that day or everybody acting sad and watching the news nonstop, kind of like how I remember Elvis dying and Regan getting shot. Which, fine - kids have enough to worry about these days without having to vividly relive that nightmare.
Weird.
Seven years ago this morning I was working at some horrible little job in Lake City where to have the internet, I had to walk a phone line across the room and plug it into a jack. I only did this when I was the only one in the office for obvious reasons, so I wasn't online when it happened but I did have the radio on. And I thought, along with everyone else when the first plane hit, huh. That's weird and really bad. When the second plane hit I started to get scared and by the time news got out about the Pentagon, Brian had showed up at my office. I honestly thought for a little while there, Welp, this is it. We're done; over and out. (Yeah, and I said it in that calm of a way too; can't you just picture it?)
That day was also the beginning of a chain of events that put my life into hell on earth for the next year and a half or so. I am very thankful I didn't lose anyone in the attacks, but I'll always associate this day with my own personal grief as well. All in all, not a good day, not a good time period, if I dwell on it too much I can actually vomit on cue. One of the oddest things to come out of all that was my habit of listening to talk radio. A lot of it. For awhile it was the only thing I could listen to and though I'm not that whack now, I still listen to it almost every day when before I would've rather listen to the emergency broadcast test bleeps. Talk radio, me. Very strange.It's been a crazy, sad, messed up, challenging seven years since this has happened. We're still at war. We still don't have adequate national security or secure borders. We are going through probably the most devisive election in our history. Our generation has a legitimate story to tell the next one now, just like we got to hear about Vietnam from our parents and they World War II from theirs. It is a rite of passage I never thought we'd make.
Weird.
Seven years ago this morning I was working at some horrible little job in Lake City where to have the internet, I had to walk a phone line across the room and plug it into a jack. I only did this when I was the only one in the office for obvious reasons, so I wasn't online when it happened but I did have the radio on. And I thought, along with everyone else when the first plane hit, huh. That's weird and really bad. When the second plane hit I started to get scared and by the time news got out about the Pentagon, Brian had showed up at my office. I honestly thought for a little while there, Welp, this is it. We're done; over and out. (Yeah, and I said it in that calm of a way too; can't you just picture it?)
That day was also the beginning of a chain of events that put my life into hell on earth for the next year and a half or so. I am very thankful I didn't lose anyone in the attacks, but I'll always associate this day with my own personal grief as well. All in all, not a good day, not a good time period, if I dwell on it too much I can actually vomit on cue. One of the oddest things to come out of all that was my habit of listening to talk radio. A lot of it. For awhile it was the only thing I could listen to and though I'm not that whack now, I still listen to it almost every day when before I would've rather listen to the emergency broadcast test bleeps. Talk radio, me. Very strange.It's been a crazy, sad, messed up, challenging seven years since this has happened. We're still at war. We still don't have adequate national security or secure borders. We are going through probably the most devisive election in our history. Our generation has a legitimate story to tell the next one now, just like we got to hear about Vietnam from our parents and they World War II from theirs. It is a rite of passage I never thought we'd make.
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