"It's so unfair."
It's a phrase I hear a lot, sometimes from myself though I try to keep that to a minimum. I don't always succeed, but having been a bitch of a little kid, I have tried to grow out of my propensity to be a whiner. I don't like people who are and I want to be able to like myself - that's a fairly simple way to keep control over it.
For the first time since setting off on the fertility journey, I dreamed last night I was pregnant. I don't remember most of it; only a vague idea of bringing the positive pregnancy test stick into work to show the only person here who knows I'm trying and having her get all happy and then I woke up. And it was the opposite feeling of when you're trying to shake off a disturbing dream; I tried to cling to that excited feeling as long as I could. I'm pretty sure I was even smiling when I woke up, which might be a first. It lasted a little while, but sometime this morning it dissipated and turned on me, leaving me to feel, truly, that it's never going to happen. I hate even writing that; but my hobby is to document and it's the truth. Yes, I'm riding the newest theme park attraction, the EMOTIONS Roller Coaster, up and down and up and down, twisty and turny and oops I think I just threw up! Who wants to hop on board; come on - it's fun!?!
Actively trying to get pregnant has brought about a lot of highs and lows that weren't there before. Yes, it was something that was on my mind almost constantly, but that's different and a lot more vague than having actual real hope for the first time. And then reading all the statistics. And the stories about people who have done this for years. The first failed attempt. It has been a real challenge at times not to turn into a sniveling whiny titty-baby and I'm sure at times I have.
To try not to say or even think "It's not fair."
I've now heard about two different families who seem to be well-known in the blogosphere and who have both lost babies in the past few days. I haven't really looked into it that much beyond what is being said on Twitter, because I know my limits and I know this isn't something that would be at all good for me, especially right now. I hadn't read or known about the families previously, so there would be no real reason for me to give my condolences. They're certainly in my thoughts and if there was a way I could figure out how to do anything in my power to make them feel better, I'd do it. Unfortunately there isn't.
This doesn't mean I think what I'm dealing with has been diminished; I've never felt one tragedy cancels another out or ever dispense this gem to someone who's hurting: "Well, you should feel lucky for what you have because so and so and these and those have it so much worse." I myself do feel very lucky most of the time. But it's like finding out my marriage was falling apart the day after September 11th - I was horrified on both counts and one had nothing to do with the other. I don't think I've ever heard it put any better than Swistle, who has the perfect disclaimer right on the heading of her blog: "I acknowledge my luckiness, without giving up my claim to the suckiness." I don't think I could ever find a better example of the point I'm trying to get across.
Grace has always had this saying, "Whatever Kimmy wants, Kimmy gets." It sounds bitchy when you don't know the entire context of it; she actually says that to encourage me to keep hoping for whatever it is I'm hoping for because things usually do work out okay in the end. (I think. Grace? You're not secretly harboring a voo doo doll of me, right? No, you wouldn't do that after all the time and effort and money you've spent helping keep me alive) During the marital rift she calmly told me one night when I was losing my shit particularly badly, "If you want to stay married, you will stay married," and whaddaya know, she was right. But there are those annoying pesky times like now, when my brain is mocking me, going You actually think this is going to happen, fool? Bitch, please! What even makes you think you deserve it? Oh, you've wanted it so long and so badly and you'll be good parents - that's supposed to justify it? Millions of people want to eat today too, but that shit ain't happening either. And I want to ask Grace, "So how about this one; am I going to get this one too? No really - I want your guaranteed seal of approval, because what you're telling me and what I'm telling me are two totally different things entirely. And I like yours better."
The other day Sister told me there's a good possibility she and Travis are going to England in June. Remember, that place I posted about a couple of months ago, the one I called my number one most dream place? Yeah, that's the one. Now, if you know me and/or my sister, you know there's nothing in the world I want more than for good things to happen to her. She's one of the most generous, giving, hardworking, kind-hearted person in the world, and she's married to the other one. But, and Sister do not take this the wrong way or I'll drive down there and put a rotten baloney sandwich in your mailbox, sometimes I just have to wonder where I veered and what the fuck happened. Come on, I'd be a big lying liar if I didn't admit that. Or maybe it's just simple like when I told Brian's mom about it the other day: "Well, Kim (Kee-yim) I'm sorry, you didn't marry a rich man." She is nothing if not direct and to the point. And this is her beloved first-born she's talking about, so it's not like she meant any malice with that statement. I just had to laugh.
This is starting to head toward dangerous pity party territory and I know it's a slippery slope once you get started. Like I said, I don't like whining so I hope this wasn't taken in that tone because that's not how I meant it. I don't have the talent to sometimes accurately spit out what's going on in my head; I just know it gets a little crowded in there if I don't let some of it out sometimes.
Life. Sometimes it isn't fair. But I will buck up; I always do. In the meantime I'll take the useful advice my prolific husband once said: (and trust me, he was joking because otherwise he wouldn't still be walking amongst the living)
"Quit your bitchin' and get in the kitchen."