Monday, April 13, 2009

Today's post: definitely falls under the "laments" portion

"It's so unfair."

It's a phrase I hear a lot, sometimes from myself though I try to keep that to a minimum. I don't always succeed, but having been a bitch of a little kid, I have tried to grow out of my propensity to be a whiner. I don't like people who are and I want to be able to like myself - that's a fairly simple way to keep control over it.

For the first time since setting off on the fertility journey, I dreamed last night I was pregnant. I don't remember most of it; only a vague idea of bringing the positive pregnancy test stick into work to show the only person here who knows I'm trying and having her get all happy and then I woke up. And it was the opposite feeling of when you're trying to shake off a disturbing dream; I tried to cling to that excited feeling as long as I could. I'm pretty sure I was even smiling when I woke up, which might be a first. It lasted a little while, but sometime this morning it dissipated and turned on me, leaving me to feel, truly, that it's never going to happen. I hate even writing that; but my hobby is to document and it's the truth. Yes, I'm riding the newest theme park attraction, the EMOTIONS Roller Coaster, up and down and up and down, twisty and turny and oops I think I just threw up! Who wants to hop on board; come on - it's fun!?!

Actively trying to get pregnant has brought about a lot of highs and lows that weren't there before. Yes, it was something that was on my mind almost constantly, but that's different and a lot more vague than having actual real hope for the first time. And then reading all the statistics. And the stories about people who have done this for years. The first failed attempt. It has been a real challenge at times not to turn into a sniveling whiny titty-baby and I'm sure at times I have.

To try not to say or even think "It's not fair."

I've now heard about two different families who seem to be well-known in the blogosphere and who have both lost babies in the past few days. I haven't really looked into it that much beyond what is being said on Twitter, because I know my limits and I know this isn't something that would be at all good for me, especially right now. I hadn't read or known about the families previously, so there would be no real reason for me to give my condolences. They're certainly in my thoughts and if there was a way I could figure out how to do anything in my power to make them feel better, I'd do it. Unfortunately there isn't.

This doesn't mean I think what I'm dealing with has been diminished; I've never felt one tragedy cancels another out or ever dispense this gem to someone who's hurting: "Well, you should feel lucky for what you have because so and so and these and those have it so much worse." I myself do feel very lucky most of the time. But it's like finding out my marriage was falling apart the day after September 11th - I was horrified on both counts and one had nothing to do with the other. I don't think I've ever heard it put any better than Swistle, who has the perfect disclaimer right on the heading of her blog: "I acknowledge my luckiness, without giving up my claim to the suckiness." I don't think I could ever find a better example of the point I'm trying to get across.

Grace has always had this saying, "Whatever Kimmy wants, Kimmy gets." It sounds bitchy when you don't know the entire context of it; she actually says that to encourage me to keep hoping for whatever it is I'm hoping for because things usually do work out okay in the end. (I think. Grace? You're not secretly harboring a voo doo doll of me, right? No, you wouldn't do that after all the time and effort and money you've spent helping keep me alive) During the marital rift she calmly told me one night when I was losing my shit particularly badly, "If you want to stay married, you will stay married," and whaddaya know, she was right. But there are those annoying pesky times like now, when my brain is mocking me, going You actually think this is going to happen, fool? Bitch, please! What even makes you think you deserve it? Oh, you've wanted it so long and so badly and you'll be good parents - that's supposed to justify it? Millions of people want to eat today too, but that shit ain't happening either. And I want to ask Grace, "So how about this one; am I going to get this one too? No really - I want your guaranteed seal of approval, because what you're telling me and what I'm telling me are two totally different things entirely. And I like yours better."

The other day Sister told me there's a good possibility she and Travis are going to England in June. Remember, that place I posted about a couple of months ago, the one I called my number one most dream place? Yeah, that's the one. Now, if you know me and/or my sister, you know there's nothing in the world I want more than for good things to happen to her. She's one of the most generous, giving, hardworking, kind-hearted person in the world, and she's married to the other one. But, and Sister do not take this the wrong way or I'll drive down there and put a rotten baloney sandwich in your mailbox, sometimes I just have to wonder where I veered and what the fuck happened. Come on, I'd be a big lying liar if I didn't admit that. Or maybe it's just simple like when I told Brian's mom about it the other day: "Well, Kim (Kee-yim) I'm sorry, you didn't marry a rich man." She is nothing if not direct and to the point. And this is her beloved first-born she's talking about, so it's not like she meant any malice with that statement. I just had to laugh.

This is starting to head toward dangerous pity party territory and I know it's a slippery slope once you get started. Like I said, I don't like whining so I hope this wasn't taken in that tone because that's not how I meant it. I don't have the talent to sometimes accurately spit out what's going on in my head; I just know it gets a little crowded in there if I don't let some of it out sometimes.

Life. Sometimes it isn't fair. But I will buck up; I always do. In the meantime I'll take the useful advice my prolific husband once said: (and trust me, he was joking because otherwise he wouldn't still be walking amongst the living)
"Quit your bitchin' and get in the kitchen."


Taoist Biker said...

In the interest of diverting the aforementioned and afore-foresworn (woo! I can inventify words!) pity party, I will attempt to draw the ladies' fire with this little gem from my friend's (all-male) college:

"Why did the woman cross the road?

I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how the hell she got outta the kitchen."

Anonymous said...

Kim, you are totally entitled to have a pity party whine fest now and then, as long as you flush it out and get your mindset back to a positive place. For today, I'll think nothing but positive thoughts for you! Get back to it tomorrow, though, missy!

Dear TB,

:: BANG ::

Love, Laura

crisitunity said...

I can't think of anything to say. I am a puddle of sad for you, honey. So I will tell one of my favorite misogynist jokes:

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin', you already told her twice!

Shari said...

I think the universe gave you that dream so you will know the feeling. Try to go back to it and imagine it. I know it's hard, probably one of the hardest things to do given your current mindset, but try anyway. That's all part of the positive visualization realm, imagine what you will do, how you will feel when it happens, and then when it does, you can exclaim, "wow, Deja vu."

Also, unless you are the Dalai Lama, which last time I checked, you weren't, I don't think anyone can stand by and watch someone else get what they want and not feel the pangs of jealousy and self defeat. One of the best things for this I've found is to find someone who is jealous of you and instantly you feel better. So, let me offer you this. That part where you say you don't have the talent to spit out what's in your head is total BS. You are an AWESOME writer, and I have always been jealous of you. Every time I read your blog I'm jealous of how truth just flows in your words. It may not always be pretty (like the garden incident with the wee little creature), but it is heartfelt and honest, and always entertaining. One of the reasons I'm so glad we reconnected is that I get to read your stuff again. I count you amongst my top 5 favorite writers that I know, and that's saying something as the other 4 are already published. Your time to shine will come. As Joel Osteen says(who I luff), God just hasn't added the chocolate chips to your cookie, yet." Your chocolate chips are coming.

Anonymous said...

*sigh* I want to help and wish it better. I hate that I can't.

Anonymous said...

All of our issues are individual to each of us and, thereofre, very difficult to compare. Don't beat yourself up about the way you feel.

Dyskinesia said...

Oh puh-shaw. Party your pity a bit and hell with it. Every once in a while, we each just need to let it all fall away, bitch, moan, whine, complain, and say BUT WHY!?!?! and wallow in a puddle of teary, angsty crap for a little bit. This is why girlfriends are good- because they'll sit around you in a big circle of hugging arms and say, you're totally right, this friggin sucks, and we'll kill him for you and hide the body. (Hmm, okay, so that last part isn't currently applicable, but it was in the manual.)

Every emotion comes at its own time. Cry your eyes out, scream and yell, beg, rage, and then - most importantly - forgive yourself for it and wake up feeling better just for getting it all out. Don't judge yourself, period.

P.S. After you've dried all the tears and are hoarse from the screaming, a glass of chocolate milk hits the spot. :)

XO, Dys

LL Cool Joe said...

I'm so so sorry that things are crap for you at the moment. If we can't moan on our own blog, where the hell can we?

Sometimes we look at other peoples lives and envy them. That classic old "The grass is always greener" saying, but as my mother in law added "Yeah but it still needs cutting". So fucking true.

I can also relate to what you are saying about not being able to respond to the people that have lost babies. I sometimes feel that about someone elses blog. God I'm too far down myself to cope with anyone elses crap too. Is that bad? Selfish? No for me it's survival.

And is "elses" even a word, and if it is, how do you spell it?

Kim said...

TB - I love it!

Snerk - That's the cool part about this; if I'm sick of one emotion, all I have to do is wait an hour and I'll be feeling a different one!

Cris - That's one of my favorite jokes. Don't tell my feminist social worker co-workers.

Shari - And what you said there is why I'm thankful we reconnected; not many people can give my mood a big turn-around like you can. I like Joel Osteen too.

Heather - you make me laugh almost every day. You help more than you know!

MTAE - That's true.

Dys - You're right; I could probably use a good dose of my friends right now.

Joe - I love what your mother-in-law said; that's excellent perspective!

Also I need to note that when I told Brian my dream he looked at me with huge eyes and said HE DREAMT IT TOO LAST NIGHT. Not that it means much; it's just really crazy.

Swistle said...

TOTALLY. I mean, what, we can't say "ouch" when we break a finger, just because someone else got a hand chopped off? Pain and suffering is pain and suffering.

Also, I just read something, kind of psych-jargony but I liked it. It said that "jealousy" is when you want something someone else has and you DON'T want them to have it, and you wish you could take it away from them and have it yourself. And jealousy is bad. But ENVY is when you see something you want, which someone else has, and you want it too: you don't want them NOT to have it, you just want it ALSO. And that emotion is good and normal and it would be weird NOT to feel it. Of course we want good things! Of course we do!

Kim said...

Swistle - That's so true; I'd much rather feel envious than jealous.